Lyrics 'Verse
by JolinarJackson
Summary: Part Thirteen online: Jack took a breath, tried to explain, to make it better but the truth was that he'd tried it out in his head - every single excuse - and there was nothing that came even close to being good enough to utter.
1. Between The Lines Of Fear And Blame

**Between The Lines Of Fear And Blame**

_Word Count: _~2.500

_Summary: _Ianto finds out about Jack's immortality.

_Characters: _Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones

_Pairing: _Jack/Ianto

_Rating: _R

_Spoiler: Cyberwoman, Out Of Time_

_Setting: _during _Out Of Time_

_Warnings: _**Suicide**, talk about suicide, character death (Jack)

_Author's Note: _Recently, I can't say why, I noticed that I never wrote a ficlet about Ianto finding out about Jack's immortality. This one took a while to write and then the 21st redisourcolor challenge with the subject _Job_ came along and I molded the story around it a bit. The three words out of six I chose for this challenge are _green, duvet_ and _running_. Story and title inspired by The Fray's _How To Save A Life_.

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Torchwood _and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

xxx

_Some sort of window to your right as he goes left and you stay right _

_Between the lines of fear and blame_

_You begin to wonder why you came_

_Where did I go wrong_

_I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness _

_And I would have stayed up with you all night_

_Had I known how to save a life_

_(How To Save A Life by The Fray)_

Jack awoke, gasped for air for a few seconds and then lost consciousness again. Death welcomed him with open arms and he was wrapped up in a cold darkness that seemed to go on forever. It felt almost safe, comforting, like home until ...

… the feeling of being dragged over glass, then the first shuddering breath, then choking, then death … Jack didn't know just how often he died that night in that car, next to that lost, lost man called John Ellis, but it wasn't often enough. So he was almost disappointed when his abused lungs expanded after another death and encountered clean, cool air. He stayed alive.

He was still in the garage, but lying on the floor next to the car, night air filtering in through the open gate. He saw the SUV parked outside, directly in front of the garage, blocking the pavement to hide from view what was going on inside, even though it was late and nobody would be out looking into the run-down garage of a run-down house in a run-down neighborhood. Jack hadn't parked the car there. Someone had taken the SUV's keys from him and done it while he was dead, and there was only one person Jack could think of who would be that thoughtful.

The SUV's boot slammed shut and steps came towards the garage. Jack stayed where he was, his head turned to the side and towards Ianto when he stopped next to him. He stared at Ianto's shoes – black, sporty ones that looked like dressing shoes at first glance, made for running and being dressy at once.

Ianto just stood there. Jack could hear him take deep breaths and when he looked up at him, he saw that he was leaning back against his car, huddled into his coat, his eyes closed. With a pang of guilt, Jack realized that Ianto was grieving and trying to decide what to do next.

He sat up. "Ianto."

Ianto let out a small, cut-off scream and stumbled to the side, staring at Jack with wide eyes. "You -"

"I was dead," Jack said with a nod, "but not anymore."

"How-"

"I don't know."

Ianto stared at him for a moment, then he nodded, and Jack could see how he draped his safety blanket of professionalism around himself. He didn't know if he'd just gotten a glimpse of the real Ianto – the young, utterly lonely man he was behind the suits, the wit and the gorgeous body. Jack doubted that he'd seen that man since the cyberwoman had tried to escape. Even the newest development between them – the adventurous sex they had to relieve the stress – did never show him the real Ianto. He kept himself hidden behind his job persona and Jack assumed that he couldn't complain about that since he kind of did the same.

Ianto breathed out, straightened up and said, "I suggest driving back to the Hub, sir. I'll take care of my car tomorrow."

Jack looked at the car, still smelling of exhaust fumes. The stink was embedded into the seats now. Ianto needed a new car. Jack had wrecked it by letting John kill himself in it – by killing himself in it – so he should fix this, do the clean-up and buy a new car from the huge amount of money he had stuffed away in several bank accounts. "Ianto, the least I can do is-"

"Don't worry, sir." Ianto gave a small and utterly fake smile. "This classifies as clean-up after a mission and that's my job."

With a start, Jack realized that Ianto gave so much of himself to ensure that Jack had everything he needed. Always working even when he was technically not working, always professional even when he should be angry at Jack for ruining his car.

Jack watched Ianto find the last shreds of shock and tuck them into the back of his mind. His face became a blank mask and he sighed. "Are you okay now, sir?"

Jack got up, getting dizzy. Ianto grabbed his arm and helped him until Jack stood upright. Jack leaned forwards and captured Ianto's lips in a tender kiss, trying to reassure him, to apologize ...

Ianto turned his head away. "Your lips are cold."

"You could warm them up."

For a moment, Ianto looked like Jack had hurt him somewhere deep within, but then his job persona slid back into place. "With all due respect, sir, you stink." He left Jack in the garage and went to sit behind the wheel of the SUV.

Jack caught a whiff of exhaust fumes on his coat and he grimaced. "Right." He looked at Ianto's car one last time and left the garage, slamming the gate closed on his way out.

xxx

The ride back was quiet until Ianto said, "It wasn't an accident, right? You sitting next to him."

Jack closed his eyes for a moment before he answered, "It wasn't an accident." There was no reason to lie about it. Ianto wasn't stupid. Jack sitting in the passenger seat and holding John's hand must have given away that it had been entirely intentional.

Ianto nodded and Jack saw his hands tighten around the steering wheel. "Why?"

Jack's defenses slammed down before he could stop them. "None of your business." Ianto wouldn't be able to understand the feeling of utter loneliness Jack endured every day. Sure, Ianto had lost his colleagues at Torchwood One, Lisa, everyone he cared about, really, but he was still in his own time. Jack wasn't. Besides, he wasn't ready to tell Ianto about that, because that would mean revealing another secret he hadn't bothered mentioning before, and Ianto seemed to be upset enough already.

Jack could see Ianto gritting his teeth. "Well, since I'm the one who found your corpse in my car, I think I deserve to know."

"What were you even doing there?" Jack asked, opting for attack rather than defense. "There was no need to follow me. I thought I made it obvious that I'd handle it."

"And look how that worked out!" Ianto snapped. Then he sighed and shook his head. "I'm sorry, sir. I … I'm a bit tired."

"Drive home. I'll take the car back to the Hub and look that John's paperwork is in order." His stomach clenched at the thought of having to get John's body from the SUV's boot into the Hub, of having to fill out the death certificate for their archives, of having to incinerate John's body. No cover story because John didn't have any living relatives aside from his son – and he would hardly complain about the lack of a body. In his mind, his father died several decades ago. No, John would get the funeral he deserved – incineration and his ashes blown towards the sea by the wind.

Ianto shook his head. "Not necessary, sir. I'll do it."

"It's my job," Jack answered.

"And it's mine to ensure that you catch a break every once in a while, sir. He was your friend. There's no need for you to do the paperwork." Ianto didn't look at him once, fully concentrated on driving. He seemed determined and Jack knew that meant he wouldn't be able to argue. He didn't want to, really. In fact, Ianto's suggestion soothed him. Jack was relieved. He sighed deeply and settled back in his seat.

xxx

The shower was heavenly. It didn't matter that the pipes were creaking as if under torture or that the water smelled a bit mossy and tasted slightly rusty. It was hot and the pressure was perfect and it washed away the stink of exhaust fumes and death. Jack tipped his head back and rinsed his hair out, remembering Ianto's slick hands on his skin, his gentle laughter and soft sighs, the contrast of his pale skin against Jack's dark-green duvet. Jack felt himself harden at the thought and brushed a lazy hand down his chest towards his groin before he remembered that Ianto was still upstairs. Warm and real and so alive. Just what he needed to feel alive himself. He turned off the shower.

xxx

Ianto was just leaving the morgue when Jack found him in the main Hub. He took one look at Jack and raised an eyebrow in obvious disapproval. Jack looked down at himself and found his white t-shirt wet in some places, just like his trousers. His hair was still damp, dropping water on the floor. So he hadn't taken the time to dry himself properly. It wasn't as if he intended to keep his clothes on for very long.

Ianto turned his head away and walked towards Jack's office. "I suggest that we incinerate him tomorrow. I'll leave the paperwork on your desk for you to sign. I'll file him away as a suicide."

When Ianto walked by him, Jack took his arm and pulled him close, asking softly, "Do I smell better now?"

Ianto stared at a point just above Jack's right shoulder. "Certainly, sir." He twisted away from him and entered his office. Jack was about to follow him when Ianto walked past him again, this time towards the coffee machine. "I'll make you one last cup, sir, then I'll go home if that's alright with you."

Jack trailed after him. "What if I told you that it isn't?"

"No games, Jack," Ianto said tiredly, "not tonight." He fixed Jack a cup of coffee and held it out to him. Jack just stuffed his hands in his pockets. Ianto set the cup down on the counter.

"I'd really like for you to stay tonight."

"Is it about work? I could stay for a while, if it's-"

"It's not about the job, Ianto. _I_ want you to stay."

"And _I_ would really like to go home."

Jack ducked his head and nodded. "Running away, aren't you? I guess I disgust you now."

Ianto sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Don't make this my fault," he whispered. "You always make it everybody else's fault."

The quiet words hit him deeply.

Ianto seemed to see that, because he tried to explain, "Like ..." He turned away from Jack, starting to clean the coffee maker with angry little swipes of the rag in his hand. "Like you are the one who has to sacrifice himself because of our faults. Because we're so quaint and childish and … stupid."

"I don't think that way about you."

"Don't you?" Ianto asked. "It certainly feels that way sometimes." He threw the rag into the sink and brushed past Jack. "I'm leaving."

Jack felt … something slip away from him. He didn't quite know what, but the further away Ianto got, the more he felt some kind of loss. It hurt. Ianto turning his back on him hurt. And he'd never been able to properly handle that emotion. His defenses raised (_Who cared what Ianto did? He was nothing more than a part-time shag anyway. He wasn't even that good in bed!_) and he shouted, "You told me once that I'm a monster!"

Ianto froze.

"Bet you're happy that you've been proven right!"

Ianto turned around to him, his eyes angry and hurt.

But Jack wasn't done yet. "You wouldn't be the first to think that way. I've been killed just because people wanted to see me come back to life! They were coming at me with butcher knifes and guns and whatever else they could find. They captured me and sold me like some pet. They paid good money. And you wonder why I didn't tell you?"

"Because we would've done the same? After everything we've seen? We're Torchwood, Jack!"

"Yes, you are, and look at your reaction now!"

"This reaction hasn't got anything to do with Torchwood. It's got all to do with you treating this like some kind of banality."

"Because it is," Jack answered. "I die, I wake up, end of story."

Ianto shook his head. "Goodnight, Jack."

"You can't leave!"

Ianto turned away and headed for the door. Jack opened the flap on his wrist strap and pushed a few buttons, locking the door and the invisible lift. Ianto stopped when he heard the heavy lock click shut. He turned back around to Jack. "Nice," he said. "Very mature."

Jack crossed his arms and stared at Ianto in determination. Ianto gestured vaguely towards the door. "You know that I know the emergency codes to that lock, right?"

Of course Jack knew. He hadn't intended to lock Ianto in permanently. He just wanted him to stop leaving for a moment. He knew he'd won when Ianto slowly walked back towards him. He stopped next to Tosh's computer, speaking calmly, "It's my job to look after you. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, dry-cleaning and the mending of your coat."

Jack would have cracked a sarcastic joke about Ianto tending to his _very personal needs_, but he didn't think Ianto would be able to laugh about that.

"Seeing you in that car, Jack … the first thing I felt was anger."

Jack closed his eyes. "Ianto-"

"At myself."

Jack opened his eyes again.

"Because I thought that I had failed you. You were like a lifesaver to me after Lisa and I wanted to be the same to you. I'm here every day, but I wasn't there when you needed me. So I was angry." He took a deep breath. "And then you wake up and act like this was nothing. Some fun to kill some time, literally. And then you want to shag me. And I don't know what to think about all that. All I know is that it doesn't matter how close we've become – as colleagues, friends … lovers ..." He paused as if he waited for Jack to contradict him, but Jack remained silent. "You just didn't tell me this very important thing about yourself. You don't trust me even though I've done everything to regain ... how am I supposed to do my job if you ..." He stopped and ducked his head. Jack couldn't tell if he was crying. He didn't want to know.

"I'm just not used to tell people. On my old team, Alex knew, but no one else. Gwen knows, but only because she saw me come back to life. It's not something I talk about with people."

Ianto looked up, his face blank. He sighed, maybe accepting Jack's explanation, maybe not. His face gave nothing away. Jack wished for Ianto to just drop his professional mask for even a minute. He wanted to see what Ianto felt, what he thought, but it was so hard when Ianto was like this.

"How many times did you die?"

Jack shook his head. "I don't know."

"How many times did you kill yourself?"

The question hung in the air for a moment, before Jack just shook his head.

"Do you think it's part of your job to die?" Ianto asked.

Jack swallowed. "Sometimes."

Ianto brushed a hand through his hair in exasperation. "I'm going to leave now."

"Ianto," Jack said, "please don't. I don't want to be ..." He took Ianto's hand. "Stay with me, I …" He felt bereft, raw and open. As if Ianto was now able to see everything of him. His best kept secret and now Ianto knew. No one was supposed to. It had destroyed everything more than once. It made him vulnerable … and lonely. "I don't want to be alone tonight," Jack said.

Ianto ducked his head. "Then go out and look for some company."

"I want you!"

Ianto slowly lifted his head to look at him.

"You always stay late," Jack said, avoiding Ianto's eyes.

Ianto shook his head and headed for the door. "Because I want to," Ianto answered. "Because I enjoy being with you. Because you saved my life. I love taking care of you, Jack, it's my job. But I can't talk with you, sit with you, eat with you or shag you when I keep asking myself if you're just _pretending_ that you're fine. Or if I missed another suicide. Or wondering why you don't think that your life is valuable enough to look for other options when things get rough. Or why you don't trust to me enough to talk to me." He punched in the code and the door rolled aside to let him out. He paused on the threshold. "That's not my job."

With that, he left.

END

09/11


	2. All The Shades Of Blue

**This series of stories will from now on be titled '_Lyrics 'verse_'.**

**All The Shades Of Blue**

_Word Count: _~2.100

_Summary: _A few days after their fall-out, Jack comes round to talk to Ianto.

_Characters: _Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones

_Pairing: _Jack/Ianto, Jack/Real Jack (hinted), Ianto/Lisa Hallett (hinted)

_Rating: _PG-13

_Spoiler: Cyberwoman, Combat, Captain Jack Harkness_

_Setting: _after _Captain Jack Harkness_

_Warnings: _Talk about **suicide**

_Author's Note: _This is a sequel to _Between The Lines Of Fear And Blame_ and might be the second in a 'verse I wanna base on lyrics of songs that remind me of Jack and Ianto's relationship. I don't know yet if that'll work out, though. This story's title and quote is from _Please Don't Stop The Rain_ by James Morrison.

_Beta: _Eleanor Harkness-Jones, thank you!

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Torchwood _and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

xxx

_I don't know where I crossed the line_

_Was it something that I said_

_Or didn't say this time_

_And I don't know if it's me or you_

_But I can see the skies are changing_

_In all the shades of blue_

_And I don't know which way it's gonna go_

_If it's gonna be a rainy day_

_There's nothing we can do to make it change_

_We can pray for sunny weather_

_But that won't stop the rain_

_(Please Don't Stop The Rain – James Morrison)_

It was strange to see Ianto that way. Huddled in a corner of the sofa with a bowl of crisps on his lap and the remote control in his hand. He almost looked his age. His eyes gave him away, though, telling Jack that Ianto might be twenty-four, but that he'd seen enough to be an old soul. It took Ianto a moment to find his composure – it hurt Jack to see how unusual his presence in Ianto's flat had turned out to become since the last time they'd met up here to have sex – then he stood up and made a weak attempt at straightening his hoodie and jeans. "Sir." He switched off the telly. "We can leave right now."

"I'm not here because of work," Jack said. The thought of Ianto assuming that without a question almost hurt more than what had happened over the last few days. His and Ianto's big fall-out in the Hub, Owen almost getting himself killed, then 1941 and Jack Harkness – the real one – and Ianto and Owen fighting over authority of the Hub. Jack had lost control over everything, as he was apparently prone to, and his instincts told him that it wasn't over yet.

"I gave you that key for emergencies," Ianto said. He went to the kitchen. Jack followed him.

The lights in here were bright, illuminating every niche of the tiny room. Everything was neat and organized: out of a catalogue and devoid of personality.

Ianto started to make coffee.

"Are you sending me away?" Jack asked.

"That depends on your definition of an emergency."

Jack stood in the kitchen door, torn between sitting down at the table like a well-behaved boss who'd practically broken into his employees flat or hugging Ianto to him to absorb his warmth and scent until he didn't feel so lonely and empty anymore. Ianto wouldn't want that. He'd made it clear that their physical relationship was over. For someone who'd pressured Ianto into baring his very soul after the Cyberwoman incident, Jack had kept too many things to himself. Ianto had trusted in those first dark days of his suspension that Jack would listen to everything he had to tell him – the escape from London, Lisa's pain, Tanizaki's hands on her body, Ianto's betrayal… Jack had taken everything in, asking _"How did that make you feel?"_, receiving answers and honesty and tears and anger in return. Ianto had promised him no more lies, no more secrets and Jack had nodded and proceeded to keep his own secrets and tell his own lies. Ianto wasn't angry about Jack being immortal, he was angry about Jack keeping secrets after Ianto had given him everything.

Jack decided to sit at the table. "Is it an emergency if I almost killed myself tonight?"

A spoon clattered on the counter top and then slid down to the tiled floor. Ianto muttered something that could have been a curse or an apology and bent to pick it up and dispose of it in the sink. When he opened the drawer to get a new one, Jack saw his hand tremble.

Ianto cleared his throat. "Almost?" It was only one word but it represented acceptance of Jack being here.

He breathed a silent sigh of relief. "Almost," he said with a nod. "Then I remembered what you told me about me being too flippant about throwing my life in the gutter and I couldn't do it."

Ianto turned around to him. "You came here instead?" Jack nodded. Ianto frowned. "Why?"

"To talk."

"No," Ianto answered and his fingers gripped the edge of the counter behind him. "Why did you want to kill yourself?"

"Pretty much the same old reason: because it stops everything. At least for a while."

The coffee machine noisily released the last bit of coffee into the pot and Ianto turned around to switch it off. He poured two mugs and fixed them up the way he and Jack liked them, then he sat down opposite Jack and offered him his mug. Jack took a sip, feeling the warmth spread all the way down to his belly.

Ianto looked at him thoughtfully. There was still a bit of anger in his eyes. "You want everything to stop?"

Jack realized that Ianto was doing the same Jack had done for him during his suspension: he turned Jack's answers into new questions, keeping him talking.

He shook his head with a bitter smile. "You can get pretty tired of life when it never ends, Ianto." Silence hung above the table for a minute or two, then Jack explained, "In 1941, Tosh and I met that soldier, Captain Jack Harkness."

Ianto nodded. "Tosh gave us a brief report of what happened. You took on his name."

"Yes. A long time ago." When he'd still been cocky and young and mortal. All that had changed when a girl had fallen into his arms, all wild blonde hair and sparkling eyes.

Ianto fidgeted uncomfortably, before he asked, "You fell in love with him?"

Jack was startled by the question. "Is that what Tosh said?" Ianto didn't answer or nod, but his silence was answer enough. Jack sighed deeply. He couldn't blame Tosh for thinking that, but… "Not really. I… I admired him." Ianto looked at Jack as if he'd grown a second head. Jack shrugged. "He was everything I always wanted to be: a hero, a good leader, someone who would risk everything just to be who they are, no secrets, no lies. That's what attracted me to him. I didn't fall in love, but if I had stayed longer in '41, if he wouldn't have died the next day – it could have developed into love." Ianto's eyes slid away and he sipped his coffee. Jack could tell that he'd hurt Ianto somehow and he wished back for the easy companionship between the two of them, the understanding that always seemed to come so naturally. He sighed. "I've been a liar pretty much all of my life, Ianto. In some capacity, I always had to hold something of myself back. Because bad things happen if people know everything about you."

Ianto stared into his mug. "You know everything about me."

"I'm pretty sure that's not true."

Ianto looked up, eyes sharp. "I was suspended. I wanted to make everything right again and you asked me to be honest with you. So everything about me that I know… you know."

Jack swallowed. "Ianto-"

"It was part of the reason I got so angry at you when I found out about you not dying. We spent nights just… talking about Lisa and Torchwood One and ourselves. And you never mentioned it. Not even once."

Jack leaned back in his chair. "I'm sorry. I wish you would have never found out-"

"You don't understand me," Ianto answered and got up to pour his coffee down the drain. "I wanted to know. I wish you would have told me."

"Why?"

Ianto turned around to him. "Because I want to understand you."

"Why?" Jack asked again curiously. Ianto turned away and washed out the mug. Jack felt something lurking beneath the surface of the walls Ianto had so carefully constructed over the last few days. He saw it in the way Ianto moved, the way his shoulders tensed and the way he clutched the mug. Jack got up and joined Ianto at the sink. He carefully put his hands on Ianto's shoulders, not sure if would be rejected. Ianto froze but didn't shrug him off. Jack dug his fingers into tense muscles and stepped closer to melt against Ianto's back, his hands sliding down to fold on Ianto's belly. "Tell me why."

"No," Ianto answered.

"Why not?" Jack wanted to know.

Ianto turned around pressed his lips against Jack's. After the last few days of evasion, Jack was mildly surprised by the gesture, but quick to recover. He stepped closer to push Ianto back against the counter and one of his hands went down hitch up Ianto's hoodie and trace the waistband of his jeans.

Ianto turned his head to the side, breaking away gently, and he kissed Jack's cheek. Then he whispered, "Because it's rejection waiting to happen."

Jack heard the unspoken answer.

_'Because I like you more than I should.'_

He took a step back, not sure what to think about that. "We said there would be no strings attached."

"I'm not good at casual."

"Well," Jack answered, "there's a surprise – that's one thing you didn't tell me."

Ianto ducked his head. "I didn't know. I had no idea until I found you dead."

The air in the room was becoming thin, starting to choke Jack. He had to get out. "I'm leaving."

Ianto frowned at him. "You don't have to-"

"I'm leaving this planet." He saw something within Ianto break. His face remained neutral but his eyes gave him away again. And Jack hated Ianto in that moment for causing him to put that hurt in his eyes. And he hated him for making this complicated, for turning a perfectly fine friendship with benefits into the equivalent of a field full of landmines.

"When?"

"I don't know. Soon, maybe."

"For how long?"

"Forever." He closed his eyes. "I'm from the 51st century, I'm stranded here and I can't breathe in this time, Ianto. I'm suffocating. The Doctor will come and take me away. He fixed my life once – he can do it again." He opened his eyes.

Ianto was staring at him in confusion. "What about us?"

"You?" Jack asked and put his hands on his hips. "Don't you understand? Everything I do, everyone I know… the way I am now, you're..." He turned away and sighed deeply, looking for the right words. "… Torchwood, the team, you… you're all a blip in time for me."

"A blip in time?" Ianto echoed. Jack turned back around to him. Ianto's arms were crossed. He looked unbearably sad.

"You see?" Jack asked bitterly. "Knowing stuff about me just makes you miserable."

"Well," Ianto answered, "now, I certainly know where your priorities lie." He stared at Jack angrily. "Not with Torchwood or the team… because we are just here and then," he snapped his fingers, a sharp noise in the otherwise quiet kitchen, "gone again. Meaningless."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Yes, you did. Because that's how you see the world. Because that's how you make it right not to trust anyone. You're putting all your faith in one man and what if he abandons you? What if he won't fix you? What if he can't?"

"As if you don't do the same!" Jack answered heatedly, hating that Ianto was voicing his deepest fears. "You put all your trust into me, thinking that I can fix you or that I'll be able to fill the hole that Lisa left behind, just because you can't stand the thought of being alone or the feeling of not being needed. Guess what, I can't. I won't. I don't even know if I would want to."

Silence crashed into the kitchen.

Jack swallowed, realizing what he'd said. "Ianto-"

"Don't," Ianto interrupted him. "You're right. Just like Owen was… apparently." He smiled bitterly. "I shouldn't have shot him." He got Jack's mug from the kitchen table and rinsed it out. "I guess we're done here."

His rejection hurt, but, Jack reminded himself, it was what he'd wanted, right? Ianto shouldn't become attached to him, because he was leaving and it would only hurt more… so he nodded. "I guess we are." He turned to leave.

"Jack," Ianto said and he stopped, "leave a note when you go away. Just so we know…"

Jack answered, "I can't promise you that."

And left.

END

10/11


	3. Silence Lived With Us Instead Of You

**Silence Lived With Us Instead Of You**

_Series: _Lyrics 'Verse

_Word Count: _~ 2.000

_Summary: _After Jack leaves with the Doctor, Ianto has to pick up the pieces by himself.

_Characters: _Ianto Jones, Gwen Cooper, Toshiko Sato, Owen Harper

_Pairing: _Jack/Ianto, Ianto/Lisa Hallett (hinted)

_Rating: _PG-13

_Spoiler: Cyber Woman, Countrycide, End Of Days_ / Doctor Who:_ Utopia_

_Setting: _after _End Of Days_

_Author's Note: _The German song _Stille_ (Silence) inspired this story and is quoted at the beginning and in the title. I translated the lyrics myself. Sorry for them seeming a bit rocky. It's difficult with songs. Let me assure you that the German version is really beautiful.

_Beta: _Eleanor Harkness-Jones, thanks!

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Torchwood _and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

xxx

_It was so loud_

_The hours after the crash when I had to grasp _

_And understand all that had happened _

_And it was so loud _

_That all we thought about brought us nothing but an emptiness_

_It just became that loud and lost here_

_When silence lived with us instead of you_

_(Still by Jupiter Jones_, translated from German_)_

"This is your fault!" Gwen said loudly and turned away from Tosh's screen to glare at Owen.

He glared just right back, his jaw set in a stubborn mask. "How can it be my fault?" he answered and put his hands on his hips. Ianto caught a slight flinch on his face when the pain from the gunshot wound in his shoulder protested the movement, but he didn't back down. "As far as I remember, I wasn't the only one going against Jack's orders!"

Ianto saw Tosh pull up her shoulders and roll her chair closer to her desk, anything to escape the immediate vicinity of the emotional explosion behind her. Now Ianto could see, from his vantage point in the shadows of the corridor leading down into the archives, what her screen was showing. CCTV images of a figure in a long coat running over Roald Dahl Plass and jumping to hang onto a blue police box, just to vanish into nothingness.

Jack was gone.

Quite possibly forever.

Ianto swallowed thickly, swallowed tears. He'd done enough crying over the last several days when they'd thought that they'd lost Jack to death. Now they'd lost him to life – a life he preferred – and Ianto wasn't surprised really, given how everything had ended. He couldn't stand the shouting match between Gwen and Owen, but unlike Tosh, he had the possibility to get away. And he made use of it, melting into the shadows and vanishing from sight.

xxx

The archives were about the only place in the Hub that didn't reflect Jack everywhere Ianto looked. It was a relief, as if he was finally able to breathe again. He lost himself amongst folders and paper and boxes. Everything down here had a certain system, a structure, and nobody would be able to just come in and disrupt it. It was Ianto's domain, his choice to change something … he wished life would be just as easy to control. Or love. His love for Lisa had been wonderful, uncomplicated ... neat. They'd loved each other, they'd shared a flat and Ianto had looked at wedding bands a week before the battle of Canary Wharf. Love, a flat, so marriage was supposed to come next, and they'd both been ready for it.

His love for Jack was all over the place, messy and complicated. Jack had left them. Ianto knew that he would one day, but it still hurt to even think about it. Jack had left them without even a goodbye. Or a note. Or anything at all.

Ianto felt like he could still feel the gentle touch of Jack's lips against his own after Jack had woken up from his long death. He could still feel the warmth of his body when he'd hugged him and hear the softly whispered words, _"You're okay."_ Relief so palpable. Ianto had felt ashamed, since he hadn't deserved that relief at all. After all, he'd betrayed Jack just like everybody else, but with far less honourable reasons. Not because he wanted a loved one back like Gwen and Owen, not out of desperation and because he didn't know what else to do like Tosh … no, he'd done it just out of malice. Just because Jack had hurt him, had rejected his love. Ianto had sworn to himself that their personal relationship would never intrude into their professional lives and yet, he'd let it happen. And now Jack was gone. Presented with a choice, he'd chosen to leave. And why wouldn't he? Cardiff, Torchwood and Ianto couldn't compete with the universe, the TARDIS and the Doctor.

Tosh's voice echoed through the room. "Ianto?" He startled and looked up at her standing in the door to the archives. She smiled hesitantly. "Gwen and Owen left and I'm about to head out as well. You should go home. We're all getting back together the usual time tomorrow and then we'll talk about… what happens next."

"Someone has to monitor the Rift," Ianto said softly.

Tosh shook her head. "I linked the detector with all our mobiles, so…" She stepped closer and there was concern in her dark eyes. "You should go home. You look exhausted. It's been a rough few days."

More like a rough few weeks, Ianto thought, but he didn't say it out loud. Nobody knew about him and Jack and he wanted it to stay that way. Telling somebody would only add to the humiliation, because Jack had left him in the dust like some shag. Of course that was what he had been and Jack had never given any indication he wanted more. Ianto couldn't fault him. Jack had been honest about his intentions from the start. It was Ianto who had been at fault. After all, falling in love with somebody who didn't want it was stupid. To practically admit that much to him had broken them beyond repair. Jack's relief expressed in a kiss at finding Ianto okay after Abaddon didn't mean anything. Jack had been scared for all of them, his reaction to finding them all alive and well instinctive. Jack had always been overly tactile, accepting boundaries set by others but never coming up with them himself.

Tosh cleared her throat and Ianto startled. "I'm fine," he whispered.

"You need rest."

"I'm going to get rest. Don't worry." He gifted her with a smile that didn't even convince him.

"Alright," she answered, clearly not believing him. She would probably keep an eye on him over the next few days and talk to Owen if necessary.

Ianto sighed deeply when she was gone and her steps had faded away. Then he got up and went to the main Hub.

In the three days that Jack had been dead, they'd managed to piece it together again. Just the window in the boardroom needed to be replaced and some of the computers. Ianto considered some changes. A few months back, Owen had suggested to use one of the rooms in the basement as a boardroom, since it was bigger and closer to the garage. That would give Owen the possibility to put the greenhouse where the boardroom was now and to establish the lab he'd wanted for months where the greenhouse was. Jack had liked the idea, but the time had never been right to put the changes into motion. Ianto couldn't think of a better time than now. He would suggest it in the morning.

He entered Jack's office. It was strangely empty, just a room without its occupant, but Jack's ghosts lingered: in the chair behind the desk, looking up at him with an expectant smile; leaning back against the desk, unbuttoning his shirt and urging Ianto closer; opening the hatch to his bedroom, winking before descending the ladder.

Ianto closed his eyes. He felt lost, lonely and cold in a room that had always been associated with soft laughter, stolen kisses and warmth.

Ianto opened the hatch and climbed down into Jack's hidden bedroom. It was only a bunker really, big enough for a closet, a narrow bed and a night stand, but it had been enough for Jack. Enough for Ianto when he'd been here with Jack. They had had sex down here for the first time. Unhurried and perfect like Jack always was in bed. Tosh may think that Ianto wouldn't sleep, but he intended to. He knew that it wouldn't make any sense to stay awake and risk someone's life because he was overtired. He didn't know if they would want him in the field like Jack had, but he was always prepared for everything. And Jack wouldn't want him to neglect himself. Not after he'd so carefully picked up the pieces after Lisa, after the suspension and after the cannibals. So Ianto undressed, ignoring the heavy gaze of one of Jack's ghosts lying stretched out on the bed and waiting for him. He got into bed and wrapped himself in the blanket, burying his face in the pillow to breathe in Jack's scent.

For a moment, it was as if arms cradled him against a broad chest, soft breaths sounding near his ear and gentle kisses planted on his back of the neck. Everything was as it should be.

But then Ianto woke up and he was alone. And it was time to start his day.

xxx

"Ianto," Gwen said and he turned around to her. She was sitting at her desk, holding a mug of coffee. A muffled thump could be heard from the shooting range, where Tosh and Owen were testing a gun that had come through the Rift yesterday. Whatever it did, it was incredibly loud. Gwen's eyes darted towards the corridor leading down to the shooting range and she grimaced. Then she turned her attention back to Ianto. "Owen, Tosh and I talked during lunch." There was a quiet concern in her words. A question as to where he had been.

Ianto hadn't felt like joining the others for meals or visits to the pubs in the last few days. He hadn't felt like eating. He hadn't felt like sleeping. He'd fallen into a pattern: he worked to exhaustion – in the archives, in the main Hub, coordinating retrievals, never in the field, always at the Hub – and then he collapsed in Jack's camp bed in his bunker and slept for a few hours before repeating the process. He knew what was happening. It was the same he'd done during his suspension. After Lisa. If there had been any question about whether he loved Jack, this would have been his answer.

Gwen's gentle voice broke through his thoughts. "We think that you should come out on field missions with us."

Ianto frowned. "Who will be manning the Hub?"

"Nobody needs to be here, but we need four people in the field. In case we have to split up."

"I'm sure we can hire someone-"

"We want you," Gwen interrupted. "Jack started training you up. Owen could finish the job. I don't think there's a lot left you can learn. We want you to be part of the team. In the field…" She hesitated for a moment, before adding, "… and outside working hours." She folded her hands around the mug. "We're worried."

"I'm fine." The answer was automatic and sounded robotic even to Ianto's ears.

"You're tired. You've lost weight – not that there was anything you could lose to begin with." Gwen looked away, as if the topic was embarrassing her in some way. "We know how much you relied upon Jack as a… friend and… he was the only one you seemed to have a real connection with, but… we want to be there for you." Her eyes met his again. "Don't distance yourself. Give us a chance."

Ianto swallowed, then, having nothing else left to do, he nodded. "Alright."

Gwen smiled in relief. "Alright." Ianto turned away to head for the coffee machine, but Gwen called him back. "Do you think…" She stopped and hesitated, then she started anew, "Do you think he'll come back?"

Ianto had thought about that question a lot in the last few days and he'd always come up with only one answer. "No," he replied, "I think he went home."

END

12/11


	4. My Soul Aches

**My Soul Aches**

_Series: _Lyrics 'Verse

_Word Count: _~ 900

_Summary: _The Masters voice was gentle, almost soothing when he asked, "You think I've done the worst I can do to you?"

_Characters: _Jack Harkness, the Master

_Rating: _R

_Spoiler: End Of Days_

_Setting: _between series 1 and 2

_Crossover: _Doctor Who

_Crossover-Setting: _between _The Sound Of Drums_ and_ The Last Of The Time Lords _

_Crossover-Spoilers: Utopia, The Sound Of Drums, The Last Of The Time Lords_

_Warnings: _Mention of Character Deaths, Torture, Violence

_Author's Note: _It has been a while since I wrote for this 'verse. My only excuse is that I've been busy. But I'm back now, getting a grip on RL and fandom life, and I'll continue this. The lyrics are from the song _Crawl _by Superchick.

_Beta: _Eleanor Harkness-Jones, thank you!

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-shows _Torchwood _and _Doctor Who _and the characters appearing within them belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

xxx

_How long will this take?_

_How much can I go through?_

_My heart, my soul aches_

_I don't know what to do_

_(Crawl by Superchick)_

As long as Jack kept his eyes closed, he could pretend…

…_The team was there and they were having dinner, sitting around the boardroom table like a happy family. It didn't matter that they weren't family, or even happy – not really, not all of them – but they were all there. Jack just had to reach out a hand to touch them…_

…"Hey, Freak!"…

…_And sitting there with them, still hearing the Doctor's words echo through his head (__**he was wrong, so wrong, an impossible thing**__) he suddenly thought that he didn't want to leave, ever…_

…"I know you can hear me."…

…_He was safe here. Owen was making stupid jokes and Tosh was smiling and Gwen was entertaining them with stories about police work and Ianto… Ianto was just there, calm and peaceful and __**Jack's**_ – _not angry and betrayed and distant…_

…"I come all the way down here and you ignore me, is that it?"…

…_And when everyone else was gone, Ianto and Jack curled up on Jack's bed in his bunker and they would undress and kiss and…_

…"Freak!"

A hard jab with the butt of a gun brought him out of his daydream. His eyes focussed first on the engine room deep in the belly of the _Valiant_ and then at the man responsible for his imprisonment. He glared at the Master who gave a gleeful grin. "Finally. I felt a bit neglected there. It's time we had some fun. I'm a bit bored by the Doctor at the moment."

Jack stared past him, at the wall. "You're looking in the wrong place."

"What does that mean then? We've only just started."

Jack found a smile. "No, we're done. You've done your worst. Whatever else you've got planned…" He met the Master's eyes defiantly. "…doesn't matter."

The Master looked at him thoughtfully for a moment, and then he said, "I've done my worst, have I? You mean by killing your cute little team?"

Their mention brought the memory of their bodies lying piled up, entangled and broken in a corner of the engine room, their dead eyes staring at Jack. They'd been removed yesterday and Jack had been utterly ashamed to breathe a sigh of relief about that. His words to the Master, though, were the truth. With Martha still safely hidden way and the Doctor too valuable to get hurt just to see Jack break, with the team …dead… the Master's leverage was gone. Jack would have done everything… he'd _done _everything, gone through every kind of pain and torture, revealed his innermost fears and answered the most intimate questions, just to get the Master to leave them alone while they'd stood before him – tired and gagged and bound. Not that it had prevented them from getting hurt, from getting killed just to see Jack strain against is chains and scream. But it was over now. Three days after life had left their eyes, Jack had realized that nothing could hurt him anymore now and that gave him confidence back.

"You know, Jack," the Master said conversationally, "you shouldn't have told me that but I guess you human beings can't help yourself. You're just… primitive that way. I mean, I don't blame you, if I were human, you would be absolutely right. But I'm not, I'm a Time Lord. And I know your mind."

There was a niggling sensation, like an instinct telling him to run, manifesting itself and then Jack felt another consciousness brushing against his almost gently.

"Your simple little mind, Jack Harkness."

He gasped when his psychic barriers were breached, the other consciousness leaking into his, rummaging around. It felt awful, it felt…

…The Masters voice was gentle, almost soothing when he asked, "You think I've done the worst I can do to you?"…

…_Suddenly, he found his team kneeling before him, being tortured, hearing their screams, seeing their defiant yet broken eyes, seeing them be killed…_

…He shook his head against the intrusion. It was just a memory, he tried to tell himself. Memories couldn't hurt him…

…_But the feelings were there, too, carefully wrapped around the memories by the Master's psychic abilities… despair, love, friendship, sorrow, horror, sadness…_

…"Stop it!" Jack gasped. "Stop!"

"I can make you relive this a hundred times, maybe even a thousand. Your little friends, dying, in pain… you think I've done my worst?" ...

…_Owen nodding at him before they shot him in the head… Tosh whispering, "This isn't your fault" before they stabbed her and let her bleed out… Gwen looking at him with adoration, her steady gaze not faltering until her last breath… Ianto smiling at him sadly, facing death with the dignity and pride Jack knew so well…_

…The Master's grinning face was close to his when the images faded, leaving Jack a shaking mess, blurring the Master's features with tears. The Master stroked his sonic screwdriver down Jack's cheek. "We've only just started."

END

06/12


	5. I'll Stay Awake For You

**I'll stay awake for you**

_Series: _Lyrics 'Verse

_Word Count: _~ 1.400

_Summary: _Jack's eyes were screaming, showing so much pain – an emotion he usually kept securely under lock and key. It was pouring off of him, making Ianto wonder what had happened to reduce this self-confident, gorgeous and brave man into that shell of himself.

_Characters: _Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness

_Pairing: _Jack/Ianto

_Rating: _PG-13

_Spoiler: End Of Days, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang_

_Setting: _after _Kiss Kiss Bang Bang_

_Beta: _larsinger29, thank you!

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Torchwood _and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

The song _Zerrissen_ belongs to Juli.

xxx

_Your skin turns cold  
>Your eyes become empty<br>Your breaths are silent and your head gets heavy  
>What tore you apart, what hurt you so badly, what destroyed you and your life and your heart<br>What tore you apart, what hurt you so badly, what destroyed you and your life and your heart  
>Whatever you do, whatever you say<br>I'll take care of you  
>I'll stay awake for you <em>

_(Zerrissen by Juli_, translated from German_)_

Ianto was exhausted. Their day had been long, full of unexpected surprises and dangers.

And Jack was back.

It seemed unreal after three months of waiting, losing hope and getting on with life. Jack was back from wherever he'd escaped to with the Doctor and everything was back to normal. Even though all of them were holding their breaths. Jack was back but the team wasn't entirely convinced yet that it was for good. Jack was back but keeping secrets again. Gray … the name John Hart had mentioned clearly meant something to Jack. He'd been stunned, shocked even, before finding his equilibrium and pretending not to care.

Jack was back and they all needed to avoid themselves and since the Hub wasn't an option and Jack had nowhere else to go, Ianto had decided to take him in. Against better judgment. Even though they'd parted ways on shaky terms – Jack hurting Ianto and Ianto helping the team betray Jack and their no strings attached, easy office affair shattered to pieces by too many secrets, too deep feelings of too much insecurity.

It didn't matter anymore, though, because Jack was back and he'd asked for a date and Ianto had said yes and there was a new start lingering on the horizon.

But first things first, Ianto thought while he patted his pockets for the key to his flat, sleep.

"The perfect place to avoid meeting yourself is your flat?" Jack asked.

Ianto found the key and unlocked the front door. "It actually is." He stepped aside in invitation, holding open the door.

"And you're letting me in," Jack said, as if he wanted to make sure.

Ianto nodded once. "I am."

Jack stepped inside slowly and looked around. "Hasn't changed much."

"It hasn't," Ianto agreed. He knew his flat was nothing special, practically not lived-in since he spent so many hours at work every day. It held his possessions and it was there in case he needed it. That was all. He took Jack's coat, his knuckles brushing over Jack's arm as he did so. He heard Jack take a deep breath. It was their first real physical contact since before Jack had left. Ianto let his fingers linger for a second longer before he stepped away to hang up the coat. His fingers caressed the wool, assessing the damage done to it.

"It went through a lot," Jack answered his unasked question, "but it's okay."

"Burn marks," Ianto said, fingering a little hole, "oil stains."

"Proximity to running engines."

"I will fix it."

"You don't have to."

"I love that coat," Ianto replied absently and then turned to Jack abruptly, his cheeks flushing. He gave an embarrassed smile. "Are you hungry?"

"Very," Jack answered.

xxx

Ianto didn't hear Jack coming up behind him but he didn't startle when his arms wrapped around him hesitantly. He focused on the dishes, leaning back just so to let Jack know it was okay to touch, and felt Jack nuzzle along his neck, breathing in deeply. Then he was suddenly gone, leaving Ianto alone at the sink in the kitchen niche. Ianto watched him go into the lounge and drop on the couch. He turned back to the dishes. Jack was different from before. After John had left, he'd become quiet, as if he didn't quite know what to do with himself. He'd barely spoken since they'd entered Ianto's flat, only to compliment him on his cooking and to offer to do the dishes. The rest of the time, he'd been subdued and that wasn't like the Jack Ianto knew at all. It was like he was someone new who'd come back in the body of someone Ianto loved. It was strange and disturbing. At the same time, Jack's eyes were screaming, showing so much pain – an emotion he usually kept securely under lock and key. It was pouring off of him, making Ianto wonder what had happened to reduce this self-confident, gorgeous and brave man into that shell of himself. Still, Ianto knew that whatever had happened, the Jack he knew was still there. He'd come out to deal with John Hart after all. Ianto just hoped that he would come out again and stay. He was determined to make that happen.

With two mugs of coffee, he returned to the lounge. He gave Jack his mug and accepted a grateful smile for his troubles. He sat on the couch next to Jack, far enough away not to touch. For a minute, it was quiet, then Jack set his cup down on the coffee table and slid closer. Ianto watched him curiously, saw Jack's hand settle on his knee and then Jack pulling one leg up to sit sideways, tucking himself closer, his body heat brushing Ianto's skin. The hand on Ianto's knee raised, fingers skirting across Ianto's cheek tenderly.

Finally, Jack whispered, "I forgot what you looked like."

"Pardon?"

"It's like … when people die, no matter how much they mean to you, their faces blur, change. You can't remember their voices, their scent, the sound of their laughter. All you have is that dodgy memory of what you think they were like … pictures help. But if you haven't got those ..." Jack cleared his throat. "I forgot what you looked like. I promised myself I wouldn't but you – all of you – became a blurry memory."

Ianto looked at Jack for a long moment, trying to read him and finding something familiar in his expression. Something he remembered from before. Something that had driven them into sharing a bed more than once. "Something bad happened while you were gone."

Tears welled up in Jack's eyes and he blinked them away. "It's alright now."

"What happened?"

Jack's eyes slid away, his gaze becoming empty. "Everything." Then he looked at Ianto again. "Don't ask."

Ianto nodded. "Okay."

"I'll be fine." He pasted on a weak smile. "I just need some sleep."

"You never need sleep," Ianto said softly. "You only sleep when you want to or when there's nothing else to do."

"Or when I don't want to be alone at night."

Ianto smiled. "All you had to do was ask."

xxx

Ianto was unable to sleep. Maybe it was the coffee they'd had just before going to bed. Maybe there was still some adrenaline from the day coursing through his veins. Or maybe it was the fact that Jack had nightmares. That in itself was nothing new. They'd slept in the same bed before and they both had their fair shares of nightmares every now and again. But this was different. This was Jack, breathing irregularly and muttering things under his breath Ianto couldn't quite understand. The only words clearly reaching him were their names. _Gwen_, _Owen_, _Tosh_, _Ianto_ … sometimes _Doctor_ and once or twice a name Ianto hadn't heard from Jack before: _Martha_.

Ianto reached over and took Jack's hand, turning on his side to face him and cradling it to his chest. "Somebody died," he whispered. "Right?" He settled down closer to Jack, barely able to see his face in the dim lights of the street lamps filtering in. "Who died?"

It wasn't intended to be more than a rhetorical question, but Jack sighed deeply and his eyes slid open a fraction. He looked at Ianto – just for a second – and he seemed unbearably sad. His eyes slid shut again. "Everyone," he whispered, the word not louder than a breath, and then he fell asleep again.

Ianto closed his eyes and kissed Jack's forehead, breathing in his scent. "You're home now." He settled down again and looked at Jack's sleeping face. "You're home."

And maybe, everything would be okay now.

END

07/12


	6. Exorcise The Demons

**Exorcise The Demons**

_Series: _Lyrics 'Verse

_Word Count: _~ 1.800

_Summary: _"I can accept that the person you once were isn't important but the person you are right now – he's important. And he came back broken and I don't know why."

_Characters: _Ianto Jones, Jack Harkness

_Pairing: _Jack/Ianto, Jack/Michael Bellini (hinted), Ianto/Lisa Hallett (hinted)

_Rating: _PG

_Spoiler: Cyberwoman, End Of Days, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, _Novel:_ Trace Memory _/ Doctor Who:_ Utopia, The Last Of The Time Lords_

_Setting: _after _Trace Memory_

_Beta: _larsinger29, thank you.

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Torchwood _and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

xxx

_I want to reconcile the violence in your heart_

_I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask_

_I want to exorcise the demons from your past_

_I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart_

_(Undisclosed Desires by Muse)_

"Would you really have accepted it?" Jack asked, speaking for the first time since he and Ianto had come home from the Hub. The air was filled with the spicy scent of a filling, warm dinner being prepared. Jack was relaxed, braces hanging down by his hips and his shirt sleeves pulled up to his elbow, in his hands a pack of pasta. He looked domestic and at peace and Ianto took a moment just to appreciate the view. After all, he knew it was just a mask.

Turning back to the sauce he was stirring, Ianto asked, "Accepted what?"

"Me. And Michael."

Ianto froze and turned to face Jack, looking at him earnestly. "I don't own you," he repeated the words he'd said to Jack earlier in the day … or had it been yesterday? God, he was tired!

"Ianto ..." Jack sighed in annoyance. "What are you trying to prove?" He grimaced when he peeked into the pot and gently pushed Ianto aside. "Aside from being a horrible cook. You have to stir it continuously or it's going to burn."

Ianto crossed his arms. "I'm not trying to prove anything, Jack. I'm just being realistic. You had lovers before me, you will have lovers after me ..."

Jack closed his eyes tight and Ianto paused, knowing he'd hit a nerve. Jack didn't like talking about the past and he liked even less to talk about the future. Living firmly in the present … Ianto guessed that was the only way he could handle his immortality.

Slowly, Jack said, "But right now, _we_ are dating. That means something to me."

"Even though we haven't had sex yet?"

Jack gifted him with a smile that was a mix of shy and lewd. "Well, I was hoping to change that by cooking you this really tasty meal, but now you've ruined it by burning the sauce."

Ianto returned the smile."I'm sorry."

Jack shook his head, pulled Ianto closer an kissed him gently. Then he turned back to the sauce. "I wasn't going to sleep with him. I lost Michael a long time ago. Seeing him … frankly, it was a shock but … I grieved already back in '67."

"He meant a lot to you."

"Yeah." Jack looked at him. "You mean a lot to me, too."

Ianto nodded, knowing that already. It was true, they hadn't had sex yet but they'd dated several times since Jack was back and they'd slept together just as much – just sleeping, lying curled up together in Ianto's bed. It was strange and Ianto didn't quite know what to think about it but Jack wanted it, seemed to need it, so he complied. Slowly, the haunted look in Jack's eyes had faded away and his nightmares, though they were still bad, got less frequent. He still hadn't told anyone what he'd seen during his trip with the Doctor, but it must have been horrible. Tonight, Jack looked tired again. Michael's appearance had thrown him. Worried, Ianto put a hand on Jack's arm. "How are you doing?"

"Fine." Jack shrugged, giving the sauce all his attention. "Alright."

"You have less nightmares."

Jack glanced at him with a grin. "And you know that how exactly?"

Ianto turned to the cupboard and started setting the small table. "We're sleeping in the same bed, remember?"

Jack paused, then continued stirring. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Keeping you awake. I just ..." He hesitated. "... need reassurance."

Ianto let the silence hang for a minute, then he asked, "What happened to you?"

"I can't tell you, Ianto. It's over, that's all that matters. The Doctor fixed it." He sighed and dropped the spoon before turning to Ianto with a determined expression. "I want to start anew. This time, properly. I had a choice. The Doctor offered me … he offered me everything and I decided to come back here. This is where I belong at the moment." He paused, looking vulnerable all of a sudden. "If you'll have me."

Ianto smiled gently. "Of course we do." Jack's expression became shuttered and grim and he turned back to the stove abruptly. Ianto got the feeling that he'd said something awfully wrong. "What?" he asked. "What is it?"

"Nothing," Jack answered.

"No. Talk to me."

"I ..." Jack swallowed, then he turned to Ianto again, his hands on his hips. "I … I wasn't talking about Torchwood, Ianto. Or about the team." He stepped towards Ianto and stared at him intently, his blue eyes earnest, intense, catching Ianto's gaze and keeping it on him. "_This_ is where I belong at the moment."

Ianto stared at him, understanding slowly dawning. "_This_?" He glanced at his tiny kitchen, so simple and not worthy of someone who'd seen as much as Jack had. And yet, he was here, day after day, whenever the Rift allowed it. It was hard to understand sometimes, what Jack could see in _this_, in Ianto.

"Why else would I ask you for a date?"

Ianto swallowed nervously. He wasn't good at this. Talking about feelings. Lisa had sometimes teased him about it, other times she'd been annoyed. Ianto had tried to get better – for her – and he'd succeeded, but with her death, it was like he'd lost the ability to stay calm when his innermost emotions were about to be laid bare. "I don't know. To change … to shake things ..." Ianto shook his head, avoiding Jack's eyes. "I don't know."

Jack's voice sounded … disappointed, maybe. "This isn't a game to me. Dating."

"I wasn't implying ..." Ianto closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. "I was, wasn't I?"

"Is it a game to you?"

Ianto stared at him incredulously. "Of course not! But Jack … you can hardly blame me. All we ever did was play around!" There it was. The reason he didn't know what to think about their dates, the reason why Jack's presence in his kitchen seemed so wrong. He ducked his head. "All you ever did was not take this seriously."

"Did you?"

Ianto looked up at him, meeting Jack's eyes. Now that he'd started, he wouldn't back down, wouldn't hold back. "From the night after Lisa's death onwards, yes. I laid myself bare to you, Jack." He turned away, fussing with the cutlery on the table. "This isn't the first time I'm telling you this. Why do I have to tell you this again?" He turned back to Jack who was standing with his arms crossed, his face unreadable. "So how is this supposed to work? Me opening up again, tell you everything and you keeping yourself closed off? Because I don't think I have to remind you that that's what went wrong the first time around."

Jack stared at him. "I sleep with you, Ianto. I let you see my nightmares."

"We did that before. Me comforting you after nightmares, you comforting me ... but you never tell me what your nightmares are about or what brought them on. So what's different now?"

Jack avoided his eyes.

Ianto sighed. "I need something, Jack. If you expect me to believe that you're serious about this, I need you to show me that you are taking this seriously."

"You can't trust my word?"

Tiredly, Ianto sat on a chair. "Your word is the problem, Jack. You keep secrets."

Jack looked at him and Ianto felt like he had before Jack had left with the Doctor: always welcome in Jack's bed but not in his life. "You expect me to tell you everything about me?"

"No, just … one thing." He stared at him pleadingly and after a minute, it seemed to work.

Jack nodded. "Alright."

"I need to know … I really need to know what happened to you while you were with the Doctor."

"Why?"

"Because it changed you and turned you into the person that wants a date with me and that turns down the Doctor of all people to stay with his team on a backwater planet in the 21st century. And don't say it's about me because I know it's about Gwen as well. And Owen and Tosh. And who knows who else." Jack stared at the floor, not reacting, not giving away that he'd even heard Ianto. Ianto swallowed and got up, stepping closer. "I know I can only ever scratch the surface," Ianto whispered. "You have a vast past and experiences that no one can cram into one lifetime and it's okay that you don't want to share them with me. I can accept that the person you once were isn't important but the person you are right now – he's important." He bent his knees a bit to be able to see into Jack's eyes. "And he came back broken and I don't know why."

"Because I saw the end of the world as we know it," Jack answered softly, his voice shaking. Then he raised his head and looked at Ianto. "And the end of _my_ world." He swallowed. "You died. All of you. And if it weren't for one woman, we wouldn't be standing here now."

"Martha?" Ianto asked, remembering Jack whispering her name at night.

A tiny smile pulled up the corners of Jack's lips. "The woman who walked the Earth." Jack touched Ianto's cheek. "In the end, the Doctor saved the world and all of you were okay. But for a few weeks … months ..."

"... we were dead?"

"I can't forget that."

"It didn't happen but it happened," Ianto muttered and framed Jack's face with his hands. He leaned in and kissed him and for the very first time since Jack had returned, he opened his mouth. Their tongues met slowly at first, hesitantly, and then Jack clutched Ianto to him, kissing him deeply, desperately. Ianto reluctantly broke away and turned off the stove. "I'm not hungry," he said, taking Jack's hand. "Let's go to bed."

"What about our date? My cunning seduction?"

Ianto smiled. "Are you turning me down?"

Jack stared at him and his gaze was so intense that Ianto thought he'd done something wrong. Then Jack grinned. "Never, Ianto Jones." He leaned forward and kissed his lips. "Never."

END

08/12


	7. No Room Left For Flight

**No Room Left For Flight**

_Series: _Lyrics 'Verse

_Word Count: _~ 600

_Summary: _Jack knew that stepping things up with Ianto was probably a bad idea. He knew he was hogging Ianto's time, binding him to a commitment that kept him from having a normal life outside of Torchwood, a normal relationship, maybe a wedding and children. All the things Jack couldn't give him.

_Characters: _Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones

_Pairing: _Jack/Ianto

_Rating: _PG

_Setting: _after _Sleeper_

_Warnings: _Language

_Author's Note: _Fluffy interlude ahead! I couldn't resist this song, as it fits perfectly for Jack and Ianto (IMHO), but it's also sweet and romantic.

_Beta: _larsinger29, thank you!

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Torchwood _and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

The song _Better _belongs to Meghan Tonjes.

xxx

_Don't make a move_

_Stay where I left you_

_I'll make it back, I swear, tonight_

_All of your friends _

_Say that you're crazy_

_Say that there's no room left for flight_

_(Better by Meghan Tonjes)_

Tired, Jack shrugged out of his coat and threw it over the back of Ianto's couch. The cloth made a rustling sound in the otherwise silent flat that was only lit by the warm glow of the street lights falling through the windows. Jack closed his eyes and sighed, enjoying the silence and letting his muscles relax. His hand reached back over his shoulder to try and knead the tension out the chase had caused. That Weevil had been a tough one, strong, resilient and fast. Enough so that Jack had considered calling someone from the team in, but they needed their sleep after the whole business with Beth and the almost-disaster. He needed them back at work tomorrow, bright-eyed and ready to face whatever happened next.

He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath before he slipped off his boots and slid the braces off his shoulders. On his way to the bedroom, he unbuttoned his shirt and trousers, opening the belt.

The curtains were drawn in the bedroom, banning the light from the street almost entirely. But Jack could see silhouettes and knew his way around. Ianto was fast asleep, managing to take up a comfortably-sized bed for two all alone. Jack smiled fondly and shrugged out of his shirt. On his way around the bed, he stepped out of his trousers. He laid down and pulled the duvet over himself before nudging Ianto slightly to the side to have more room.

"Stop it," Ianto muttered sleepily.

"You're hogging the bed. You want me here, don't you?"

Ianto groaned and rubbed his eyes, glaring at Jack blearily, his eyes glittering in the weak light. "I'm not so sure right now." He yawned and rolled to the side, taking the duvet with him. Jack smiled and followed him, pulling him back to tuck him against his chest. It was difficult, Ianto was almost the same height, but somehow, they managed. Legs entwined and arms around each other, Ianto's breaths caressing Jack's skin …

Ianto gave an unhappy sound. "Great, I'm awake now."

"Go back to sleep."

"Says the man who woke me up."

Jack silenced further complaints with a kiss on Ianto's lips.

Ianto's hand traced Jack's arm up to his shoulder blade and back, finding the tension that had bothered Jack before and starting to massage it away gently. His blue eyes were awake now, peeking at him from underneath a messy dark fringe. "You're lucky I like you."

"I am," Jack answered earnestly. Ianto closed his eyes and settled in against him. Jack knew that stepping things up with Ianto was probably a bad idea. Spending almost every night in Ianto's flat had become normal for them. Jack knew he was hogging Ianto's time, binding him to a commitment that kept him from having a normal life outside of Torchwood, a normal relationship, maybe a wedding and children. All the things Jack couldn't give him.

He sighed and nuzzled Ianto's hair, breathing in the scent of fruity shampoo.

Thing was, he'd always been a selfish bastard. "I really am."

END

08/12


	8. After All My Searching

**After All My Searching**

_Series: _Lyrics 'Verse

_Word Count: _~ 1.300

_Summary: _There it was: the elephant in the room they'd ignored since Jack had found out about Gwen's engagement.

_Characters: _Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper

_Pairing: _Jack/Gwen (UST), Jack/Ianto (hinted), Gwen/Rhys (hinted)

_Rating: _PG

_Spoiler: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang, To The Last Man_

_Setting: _after _To The Last Man_

_Author's Note: _This was very hard to write. I started it a thousand times before I finally settled on one version. This 'verse is about Jack and Ianto, I know that, but so much in their relationship extends to Jack's UST with Gwen, in my opinion at least. I'm a big fan of that UST, so it had to make an appearance here sometime.

_Beta: _larsinger29, thank you!

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show_ Torchwood _and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

The song _This Is Home_ belongs to Switchfoot.

xxx

_And now_

_After all my searching_

_After all my questions_

_I'm going to call it home_

_I got a brand new mind set_

_I can finally see the sunset_

_I'm gonna call it home_

_(This Is Home by Switchfoot)_

"Where's Tosh?" Gwen asked and Jack looked up at her, standing in his office door with her handbag slung over a shoulder, her arms crossed and a tired expression on her face.

"Ianto took her home." He cleared his throat. "I offered but she ..." Taking another sip of his scotch, he tried to settle into a more comfortable position in his chair, but nothing seemed to ease the aches today. "Well, she doesn't want to talk to me at the moment." He closed his eyes. "I'm the one who ordered her to send Tommy back after all."

He startled slightly when Gwen's fingers closed around his hand. He hadn't heard her come closer. Entwining their fingers, Gwen gave him a sad smile. "I'm sorry, Jack. It must have been hard for you, too."

"The way she looks at me now …," he said softly.

"She's grieving. And her and Ianto have become quite close over the last few months so don't blame her for turning to him, alright?"

"I blame myself." He gulped the last of the scotch down.

"You always do," Gwen whispered. She leaned against his desk, reminding him of the way Ianto had stood there just a few hours ago. He missed him, but didn't dare call or text him. Tosh's broken heart was more important than Jack's self-pity.

Jack stared down at Gwen's hand, at the engagement ring glimmering in the weak lights of his office. "It's beautiful."

Her face brightened and she blushed. "Daft sod spent months saving up money for this."

Jack smiled sadly, relieved to change the topic. "He adores you, you know."

"You don't even know him."

"You keep telling us about him," Jack reminded her. "If I've learned one thing in my life then that it's cold and lonely out there. You should grab every chance of happiness you can."

"Do you?"

Jack thought of Ianto and their dinner plans that evening and the way they'd silently agreed to keep their relationship to themselves for now. He smiled at her. "Maybe. Coming back certainly was a start."

"Well, in case there's any doubt about it, we're glad that you're back." She smiled at him.

He caught himself sighing in relief. Hearing the words from someone other but Ianto meant a lot. Ianto had forgiven him too easily and moved on to taking care of him in the aftermath of the year that never was.

Gwen pushed off the desk. "Well, I'll go home then. World saved, report typed up, same old, same old." She winked at him and he laughed softly. Instead of leaving, though, Gwen paused, looking at him thoughtfully. "Do you ever think ..." She hesitated. Jack waited, knowing she would go on when she was ready to. She didn't disappoint him. "Do you think I'm doing the right thing? Marrying Rhys."

He grinned at her teasingly. "Is there someone else I don't know about?"

Gwen's answering smile was weak, tired. "Oh, you know about him. You certainly do." Jack became earnest and his eyes slid away to the empty glass. There it was: the elephant in the room they'd ignored since he'd found out about her engagement. She looked at him for a long moment, then she added with a sad smile, "He's not an option, though."

Ashamed, Jack felt relief well up in his chest. Relief that she'd apparently overcome that particular demon, the one he'd called by flirting too much, by touching inappropriately, by planting false hope. "You knew that from the start."

"I certainly did." He saw her swallow and her hands closed around the edge of the desk. "It's not because of him that I'm unsure about the marriage, though."

"Why then?"

She sighed. "There's this job and … I've seen what it can do to us. I'm scared I'll … damage Rhys by marrying him, by pulling him into this. One day, he _will_ find out."

"He will. And he'll be retconned."

"Yes, but I won't. I'll know what happened. It'll change things between us."

"Gwen ..." Jack paused, thinking his words through carefully. He knew it wouldn't do to give her some empty promise. Gwen was a smart one. His whole team was. He'd always felt drawn to that kind of soul. The Doctor, Rose, Martha … even John was very intelligent. He looked at her earnestly. "Do you know why I keep pushing you to have a normal life outside of Torchwood? Why I don't push the others as much?"

Gwen shook her head.

"Because you're the only one I didn't recruit because I felt responsible. We were all scarred and broken the first time we set foot into the Hub, but you … you weren't. I hired the others because I knew they were going to be tough enough, because they survived battles and grief and isolation … because they're like me. They live for this place. They've seen the darkest side of the human race. You haven't."

"You hired me because I'm naïve?" Gwen asked, incredulous.

"No, I hired you to heal us. We locked ourselves away down here, scared to be hurt again. There was a time you said we forgot how to be human."

Gwen swallowed. "I didn't mean it. I … was wrong."

"We didn't forget," Jack said with a nod, "but we chose to distance ourselves from the world outside, from the victims. I hired you because you seemed to be the kind of person who could remind us of the fact that, while distance is necessary, too much of it can be poisonous. We even isolated ourselves from each other. Look what happened to Suzie because of that. I completely missed Ianto's problems because ..." He smiled tiredly. "And I think I should tell you that in my absence, you did a brilliant job. You managed to do what I failed at. You made them a team."

Gwen blushed and ducked her head. "It was a team effort. You were gone. We just tried to fill the hole."

Jack nodded slowly. He leaned forward, sliding his chair closer to the desk, and wrapped his fingers around her wrist. "You should get married, have something of a normal life, set an example for us."

"No pressure then," Gwen said with a grin.

Jack laughed. "No pressure."

She nodded and pushed away from the desk, pausing. Then she looked at him, her green eyes telling him how very, very serious she was about her next words. "Jack … that guy I was talking about – the one who's not an option ..."

Jack nodded.

"He is a good man. He really is. Sometimes, though, he can be a bit careless with hearts. He should be more careful from now on … because Ianto deserves it."

Jack swallowed and nodded slowly.

Gwen leaned down and kissed his cheek. "Goodbye, Jack", she said softly.

Jack took her hand, looking at the ring again. "It really is beautiful."

Gwen smiled, slowly releasing his hand and heading towards the door. Reaching the frame, she turned to face him once more, a face-splitting grin tugging at her lips. "It's perfect."

END

11/12


	9. Immortal

**Immortal**

_Series: _Lyrics 'Verse

_Word Count: _~ 2.000

_Summary: _Jack took a deep breath, blinked, let the air escape. He was fine. He was okay. He was getting there.

_Characters: _Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones

_Pairing: _Jack/Ianto

_Rating: _R

_Spoiler: _Audio: _In The Shadows_

_Setting: _after_ In The Shadows_

_Warnings: _Mention of suicide, mention of partner betrayal, language

_Beta: _larsinger29, thank you!

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Torchwood _and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

xxx

_All my rage and all my tears_

_All my laughter belongs to you, just you_

_'Cause you see me how I really am_

_Too fragile_

_You see me without my mask_

_Just with you, I can feel immortal_

_(Translated from German: Unsterblich by Luxuslärm)_

The water surrounded him, choking him, making it hard to breathe and then impossible and he was trying to back away ...

… slamming into the tiled wall and dropping to the floor with a scared whimper escaping his lips, before he even realized that he wasn't in Hell anymore, wasn't drowning, wasn't alone and lonely and heartsick … he was in Ianto's shower. He was fine. He was safe.

Jack reached up and switched off the hot water, remaining huddled in the corner of the shower and wrapping his arms around his legs. He pressed his forehead to his knees and breathed deeply. He was tired. Tired enough to fall asleep under the shower, tired enough to immediately dream of that awful place, of his suicide …

"Jack?!" Ianto's voice pulled him away from his memories and back to the shower, the steam billowing around him, the moist warmth of the bathroom. Jack took a deep breath, blinked, let the air escape. He was fine. He was okay. He was getting there. Again, Ianto's voice came through the closed door, a bit closer now. "Jack, hurry up! I'm pretty sure dinner's done."

A tentative smile pulled at Jack's lips.

Dinner, Ianto, _home_. This time for real.

He got out of the shower, quickly dried off and wrapped himself in Ianto's red bathrobe and joined Ianto in the kitchen. The small room was brightly lit, comfortably warm and smelled of chicken soup. Ianto was staring at a pot thoughtfully, stirring.

"Is the soup giving you a headache?" Jack asked. He took the spoon from Ianto, stirring the soup himself.

"Cooking is giving me a headache," Ianto answered.

Jack pulled him close with one arm around his hips, planting a firm kiss on his lips. "I appreciate that you're trying it for me."

"You said that before," Ianto replied with a quirky smile.

Jack remembered and chuckled. He nuzzled along Ianto's cheekbone and kissed the side of his nose. "Well, I really _did_ appreciate that you tried it for me." His hand landed on Ianto's arse, pulling him even closer. "Really, really appreciated it."

"All night, if I remember correctly," Ianto said.

"There was a lot of appreciating to do," Jack replied with a laugh. Ianto grinned at him, but there was a strain showing in the laugh lines around his eyes. It had been a hard few days for all of them. Jack felt memories sneak up on him, ready to pounce, and he quickly distracted himself by trying the soup. Only now did he realize how hungry he actually was. Even something as simple as a soup tasted like heaven. "It's good."

"It came out of a can," Ianto admitted.

Jack had thought as much. Ianto wasn't known for his cooking skills. Usually, when they spent the evening together, Jack did the cooking. "You added herbs?"

"Yes."

"Perfect."

Ianto snorted. "Far from it. You should try the soup they serve in that posh little French place in the city center. I was there with Tosh once. It's really good."

Jack raised and eyebrow and smiled teasingly. "Are you asking me out on a date?"

"You asked first," Ianto answered, pecking his lips and moving away. "I'm still waiting to cash in."

Somehow, that hurt. It was just a throw-away line, a joke, not meant earnestly, Jack knew. Ianto didn't need dates and flowers and chocolates. What he needed was being touched, being intimate in more ways than just sexually, being close to someone. He didn't show it at work and not a lot when he was alone with Jack, but Jack knew. Nevertheless, suddenly he felt deeply wounded as if Ianto had insulted him somehow. He turned his back on Ianto under the pretense of focusing on the soup, taking a few deep breaths.

"Ready?" Ianto asked.

Jack faked a bright smile. "Ready."

xxx

There was one essential thing people often didn't get about Ianto. Jack had needed a while to really understand it as well. Before he did, he'd been proud of his seduction techniques, of the way he'd slowly and carefully eased Ianto into his bed, the way his touches and kisses made Ianto shiver and fall apart until there was nothing left but raw, open emotion.

People sometimes thought that Ianto was weak and subservient, the way he always seemed to walk a step behind Jack, always was ready to get the team whatever they needed, be it coffee, a snack or a proper clean-up operation. It was easy to see Ianto as a butler to the team, a personal assistant to Jack, an always available lover.

It was much more complicated than that, though, because there was in fact nothing anyone could make Ianto do … except for what he let them. He let the team come to him with small tasks far beneath his qualifications and he let Jack seduce him again and again, let him come closer than anyone before, let him take control when he needed it and let him lie back and relax when he wanted to. Ianto was strong, reliable and brave and there was just no way he would let Jack or anyone else use him in any way. Jack liked that about him. He liked the feeling that no matter what, he wasn't taking advantage because Ianto wouldn't let him.

Nevertheless, he began to doubt that now.

"Are you alright?" Ianto asked.

Jack looked across the kitchen table at him, slightly startled. "Pardon?"

"I asked if you're alright."

"Fine."

"Because, you know, that story about Owen and the Weevil was supposed to make you laugh."

Jack stared down on his empty bowl. "I didn't listen, sorry."

Ianto nodded thoughtfully and put his spoon down. "Stop saying you're fine when you're not. You had one hell of an experience." He got up and started to clear the table.

Jack stayed seated and folded his hands. "No pun intended?"

Ianto froze for a second and even though his back was turned, Jack could just imagine him mouthing _"__Fuck"_, closing his eyes. He turned around to Jack. "Sorry about that." He set the plates down on the counter and leaned back against it, his arms crossed. "You want to talk about it?"

"Not much to tell," Jack answered. "I was alone, felt like a long time, committed suicide several times."

Ianto looked conflicted, as if he wasn't sure if he should ask, but in the end, he did. "There's more."

Jack avoided his eyes. "Tosh and Owen were dead. I shot Gwen."

"It wasn't real."

"I know that. Felt real at that moment, though."

Ianto approached him and dropped an affectionate kiss on his head. Jack put his arms around Ianto's waist and buried his face against his belly. The old t-shirt smelled of detergent and, faintly, of Ianto's shower gel. "It's over," Ianto said, carding fingers through Jack's hair.

Jack sighed deeply. "Thanks to you. You forgave me."

"It wasn't a big deal," Ianto replied and then chuckled. "Kinda used to it." He bent down to kiss Jack's forehead and turned away to deal with the dishes.

Jack grabbed his wrist, feeling the need to say something that he hadn't been able to shake since he'd met the Ianto born in his Hell. "You're not little."

Ianto looked at him questioningly. "Pardon?"

"In Hell you … the other you … he told me that I always forget about the little people, meaning you among others."

Ianto swallowed and stepped closer again. "Well, I don't think that way about you."

"You cheated on me, in Hell."

Ianto crouched down and entwined his fingers with Jack's. "To get back at you?"

Jack nodded.

"Right," Ianto whispered. "You know it's not real, do you? Nothing there was real."

Yanking his hand away, Jack snapped, "I know that." He got up and stalked past Ianto. "But you … the other you … he was right. I forget about the little people, I forget about you and you just let me. You let me walk all over you." He turned to Ianto who had straightened again and stared at him sadly. Jack continued,"I always thought we had this good thing going, that you'd protect yourself, but now I see that when it comes to me, you've got no defenses."

"Jack," Ianto said calmly, "you're not making any sense."

"We didn't have a date yet. I promised you months ago and we never went. And you always forgive me. Constantly."

Ianto sighed in frustration and carded a hand through his dark hair. "Those were just jokes, Jack. I didn't mean anything by it."

"You never let people do anything to hurt you, not without a fight, but you let me … you let _me_ hurt you, disrespect you …" Jack trailed off and crossed his arms, ducking his head.

"It got into your head," Ianto said after a moment of silence. "Didn't it?" He breathed out and put one hand on his hip. "Right, now you listen to me carefully. You were right about one thing. I don't let people treat me like I don't matter. Not anymore. And there are no exceptions to that rule. Not even for the person who made me lay it down in the first place." Jack looked at Ianto, who nodded. "And yes, emotions sometimes tend to get in the way of what I should be doing. Sometimes they blind me to things but … Jack, one thing should be very clear and that is that I won't let even you treat me badly. And … I don't care about dates or you flirting with others or you needing your space sometimes, because there's enough about me that you don't care about. There's not a lot you can do to truly hurt me. You know what it'll take and there's no doubt in my mind that you would rather tell me if you wanted out of this. You may be many things but you're not a cheater, Jack." Ianto smiled. "And you certainly care about the little people, Jack. You care about pretty much everyone. It's in your nature." His face became serious and he grabbed Jack's hands. "It's important that you trust me on this. I need you to be able to trust me and I need you to know that your life is valuable." He brushed his hands through Jack's hair, cupping his face. "I know you don't think so, but it is."

Jack stared into Ianto's eyes. "I always get up again."

"You don't deserve the pain dying brings you. You're immortal, that doesn't mean you should forget how to live. The opposite's the case. Being immortal should be about living." He swallowed. "You don't deserve bad things happening to you, Jack. You are _not_ a sinner."

Jack smiled sadly. "I'm not a saint, either."

"Well, that's for sure," Ianto replied, rolling his eyes. He kissed Jack firmly, letting his lips linger. "Jack," he said softly, "I'm happy. Life's good to me at the moment. There's no need to chase ghosts."

Jack stared at him, looking for a hint of a lie in Ianto's eyes, but Ianto just put his arms around Jack's neck and smiled. Jack put his hands on Ianto's hips. "You won't let me hurt you."

"If you don't forget to stay alive," Ianto answered and pecked Jack's lips.

END

12/12


	10. Forgot To Forget

**Forgot To Forget**

_Series: _Lyrics 'Verse

_Word Count: _~ 2.400

_Summary: _Jack looked at him. He frankly didn't have an answer. Not one he could give Ianto anyway. It would sound silly to say that sometimes, his life here felt strangely jumbled, like a mosaic that wasn't put together correctly. That being in bed with Ianto seemed to be the only time he felt whole.

_Characters: _Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones, Adam

_Pairing: _Jack/Ianto

_Rating: _NC-17

_Spoiler: Adam_

_Setting: _during _Adam_

_Warnings: _Language

_Contains: _Sex

_Beta: _larsinger29, thank you!

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Torchwood _and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

xxx

'_Cause I never held you  
>I never missed you<br>I don't know who you were or who you're now  
>I don't even know your name<br>I never loved you  
>I just forgot to forget<br>That you exist_

_(Translated from German: Vergessen zu vergessen by Luxuslärm)  
><em>

Something was missing.

Jack spent a lot of nights on rooftops lately, trying to figure out what it was. He couldn't stay in the Hub, couldn't find rest in his bunker. He just felt antsy there and it was so very quiet, somehow. The familiar noises of the Hub seemed distorted, out of tune, as if there was one important instrument in an orchestra missing. Jack didn't quite know what it was his mind apparently expected to hear, but there were fragments – fleeting shreds of dreams or distant memories – of soft footsteps up in his office, steady breathing in bed next to him, gentle laughter in the kitchen niche. That was why he was outside so often, watching over the city and wondering why he felt so out-of-place, so … wrong.

He sighed deeply and shivered in the frigid air. Even his thick wool coat wouldn't help against the constant coldness that seemed to have taken up residence under his skin, in his bones. He knew it was a symptom of him not feeling quite right but he tried to ignore it as much as possible. Maybe he should call Adam who always seemed to understand Jack's strange mood swings and managed to counteract them. He could confide in him, talk to him like he could talk to nobody else on the team … Adam knew more about him than the others. But Jack would feel bad about interrupting Adam's night off just because he had a bad feeling.

He closed his eyes and tried to think of a solution to this feeling of restlessness. He didn't feel in the mood to go out, as much as flirting often was a kind of therapy for him. As much as a one night stand sometimes helped him. But a stranger's lips, hands and body wasn't the solution tonight.

A smile lit up his face when he had an idea.

xxx

Ianto let Jack kiss him as soon as he'd entered his flat, let him pin him against the wall and Jack even got as far as burying his hands underneath Ianto's pyjama bottoms to grab his arse before Ianto pushed against his chest, not so much to shove him away, more to stop him for a moment. "Are we doing this again?" he asked.

Jack needed a moment to gather his wits. Ianto smelled so good – freshly showered and wearing clean clothes – and he tasted like chocolate and wine. Jack grinned at him and pulled him closer again, succeeding in pushing their groins together while Ianto kept their chests and lips firmly apart. If he really wouldn't want to do this, Jack knew, Ianto was well able to fight him off. Enough reason not to give up yet. He raised his eyebrows. "Looks that way, doesn't it?"

Ianto's blue eyes reflected something that Jack identified as pain before he hid it quickly. "It's been a few months since we last had sex."

Jack shrugged, rolling his hips a bit to let Ianto feel that a few months was enough to build an appetite. "So?"

"That was the middle of the night as well. You barged in at two in the morning and shagged me before leaving and then you went and acted as if it never happened."

Jack sighed and stepped away. He knew where this was going and he didn't want to get into it. He considered just leaving again. "Are we really going to talk about this now?"

"Why am I good enough to turn to when you can't find another shag but not good enough to go Weevil hunting with?"

"Are you seriously asking me why we don't chase deadly predators before having sex? I thought that would be a good thing."

Ianto crossed his arms. "It would be if we were a couple … or friends at least." He sighed and ducked his head. "Listen, I miss doing things like that with you. Working with you. You used to pair us up all the time, you just … stopped."

"Well, we still would work as a team and chase Weevils if someone wasn't so clingy." That had hurt. Jack could see it all too well on Ianto's face. He regretted his words now but once out, they were hard to take back. All he could do now was try and dam in the damage.

Softly, Ianto replied, "I wasn't being clingy. I just thought you were …" He swallowed.

Jack closed his eyes. He really should leave. This was veering off into territory he wasn't comfortable with really fast. But something held him back. Maybe guilt. "You thought I'd fall in love with you?"

"Silly me," Ianto whispered.

Jack looked at him and pulled up his shoulders. He felt vulnerable all of a sudden, as if he was the one hurt here and not Ianto. Ianto, who had been so loyal to him when nobody else had, who looked out for him in so many small ways, who was just always there with whatever Jack needed. Ianto wasn't just someone Jack slept with occasionally, he'd been something like a friend … before Jack had realized that Ianto had fallen for him and run away, cutting him off, spending more time with Adam and the other members of the team. And Ianto had never complained openly, never let him see how much it hurt him … until now. "Look, it's not you. You're a great guy, you're cute, you're brave but … I don't want this in my life. Us. That has nothing to do with not wanting it with you specifically, it's a general thing."

Ianto frowned. "Why come back then? We've had sex several times since you stopped pairing us up for missions so it's not like you're not attracted to me."

Jack looked at him. He frankly didn't have an answer. Not one he could give Ianto anyway. It would sound silly to say that sometimes, his life here felt strangely jumbled, like a mosaic that wasn't put together correctly. That being in bed with Ianto seemed to be the only time he felt whole. "Because I want to," he finally answered.

"Because I'm convenient," Ianto replied.

"You're not. There's no such thing as convenience with sex between us, Ianto. Not for me."

Ianto raised an eyebrow. "You don't want the hassle of going out to pull so you go to someone who you think will sleep with you no matter what, avoiding the hassle. That's the definition of 'convenient'."

Jack stepped closer. "I think of it as sleeping with someone who knows me. Someone who knows what I like, someone whose preferences and boundaries I know, someone I know is not afraid to let go when I'm with them, who lets me catch them, where there's a measure of trust. You don't get that from strangers. _They_ would be convenient, _this_ is intimate."

"A prettier word for the same thing," Ianto replied.

Jack lowered his head and nodded, knowing when he'd lost a battle. "I'll best go then."

But when he turned to the door, Ianto put a hand on his arm and held him back. Unexpectedly, Jack found himself in a kiss. It was gentle and sweet, becoming more passionate when he opened his mouth and teased Ianto's lips with his tongue. And everything fell into place. Jack couldn't see the whole mosaic, there were parts he was blind to, but it _felt_ complete and that was all he needed right now. He felt … right.

He pushed Ianto back, pinning him against the wall once more, gentler this time, though. Ianto moaned softly and put his hands around Jack's neck, arching his back to press up against Jack's body. Something … clicked, suddenly and almost painful and Jack found himself staring into Ianto's eyes, their foreheads together, panting hard, his hands tight on Ianto's back to hold him close, fisted in the thin, skin-warm shirt.

Ianto squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip. "This feels right."

"So?"

"It shouldn't."

Ianto was right. This felt like more than the occasional night together, more than close colleagues, and it must feel like more than a crush or hero worship or adoration or whatever it was that Ianto felt for Jack … this felt like being with a lover who knew him inside and out and in more ways than just sexually. This felt like … Jack swallowed. "So stop," he whispered, his voice roughened by arousal.

Ianto shook his head, his breath caressing Jack's lips. "I don't want to."

And then he kissed him again, pulling Jack into the bedroom with him.

xxx

Jack felt Ianto's hands tighten around his biceps, his nails digging into his skin, his thighs tight around Jack's waist while he thrust into him. Jack leaned down and caught Ianto's lips in a kiss, rough and urgent and all teeth and lips. Ianto let out that small broken sound he always made just before coming and Jack swallowed it, thrusting harder, deeper, stroking Ianto's cock faster, and then they came together, perfectly synchronized like always, and Ianto's hands slid into Jack's hair to fist the strands while Jack panted into his neck.

And he felt perfect now, whole and at peace. 

Ianto's legs fell to the bed and Jack pulled out of him to sit back. Then he collapsed to land next to Ianto and stared at the ceiling, still panting. He turned his head to look at Ianto and found him already staring at him in the dim light of his bedside table lamp. Jack reached out and traced his finger down Ianto's cheek to cup his jaw and then leaned in to kiss him softly, breathing in his scent and entwining their bodies. He pushed their foreheads together and looked into Ianto's eyes. Ianto was frowning, almost looking as if he was in pain and Jack imagined that he looked the same. Something had changed.

"I was wrong," he whispered.

Ianto stared at him. "What about?"

"You." Jack kissed him again. "Us." Another peck and he closed his eyes, burying his head in the bend of Ianto's neck. "This feels right."

Ianto held him tighter. "That's the orgasm talking," he said softly.

Jack raised his head. "Is it?" he asked, staring into Ianto's eyes, refusing to look away first.

Ianto swallowed and finally turned his head away slightly, breaking eye contact. "We'll see."

Jack laid down again. "Yeah, you will."

xxx

It was still dark outside when Jack left Ianto to check on the Hub. He'd stayed away for longer than he'd intended to and he felt a bit nervous about security at the moment. It wasn't as if something particular had happened that caused that feeling. He was just … careful.

Ianto lived on a street leading straight down to Roald-Dahl-Plass. For such a central corner of Cardiff, it was still very quiet. No cars, just one jogger with a dog passing by. Jack buttoned his coat against the cool air and shoved his hands into his pockets.

He startled when someone stepped out of the shadows in front of him all of a sudden and smiled in relief when he recognized Adam. "You scared me," he admitted.

Adam chuckled, his bright eyes showing amusement. "Sorry."

"What are you doing here?"

"Couldn't sleep, couldn't find you at the Hub and thought you might be here. We could grab breakfast together," Adam answered and put a hand on Jack's shoulder. "Like we do sometimes, remember?"

"Right," Jack said with a smile and they started to walk back towards the Hub. On their way, there was a small cafe serving a fantastic breakfast, even this early in the morning.

Adam nodded. "Yes." He looked back over his shoulder toward Ianto's flat and then shoved his hands in his leather jacket. "What were you doing here?"

Jack hesitated for a moment, then he answered, "I slept with him."

Adam grinned. "Good for you."

"No, you don't understand," Jack replied. "It was strange … weird." Adam stopped and Jack looked towards Roald Dahl Plass just down the road. "It felt so … good. Not like … a shag. More like … better."

"Don't tell me you're in love." Then a slow grin spread over his face. "That'd be ridiculous, Jack." He patted Jack's arm, letting his hand linger for a moment. "He fancies you but you know that to you, he can never be more than a shag. I'm your best friend, remember? I'm the one you're the closest to."

Jack looked at Adam and frowned. Something seemed off about this.

"Jack," Adam said earnestly and stepped closer, putting his other hand on Jack's other shoulder. "Just a shag, remember?"

Jack swallowed and ducked his head. It became clear now that Adam was right. He didn't know how he could have had ever thought there could be more between him and Ianto of all people. He smiled about himself and looked up at Adam again. "Must have been caught in the moment somehow. It's been a while after all."

Adam laughed and let go of him. "Yeah. An orgasm can do that to you." He got serious again and looked at Jack. "But maybe you should keep away from him, yeah? He might see this differently. Don't give him the wrong idea, that would be cruel."

Jack nodded slowly, seeing Adam's point. "Yes, that would be cruel."

They started walking again.

After a while, Adam said, "Poor guy. He must be quite lonely. It's kind of sad really."

Jack shrugged. "He could look for a girlfriend … or a boyfriend."

"I think he's in love with you."

Jack snorted. "Well, he's obviously delusional." He breathed in the fresh night air and let it out slowly. "Why should I court him if I can shag him?"

Adam chuckled and Jack smiled, trying to ignore the pang of sadness the words brought. Strange, he felt lonely all of a sudden, as if something was missing but he couldn't quite say what it was … like his life was a mosaic and some of the pieces were missing. 

END

01/13


	11. A Broken Heart That's Still Beating

**A Broken Heart That's Still Beating**

_Series: _Lyrics 'Verse

_Word Count: _~ 1.000

_Summary: _"So, how did I perform?"

_Characters: _Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones

_Pairing: _Jack/Ianto

_Rating: _R

_Spoiler: _Novel: _Twilight Streets_

_Setting: _after _Twilight Streets_

_Contains: _Sexual situations

_Beta: _larsinger29, thank you!

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Torchwood _and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

xxx

_I am here still waiting, though I still have my doubts  
>I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out<br>I'm falling apart  
>I'm barely breathing<br>With a broken heart that's still beating  
>In the pain, there is healing<br>In your name, I find meaning  
>So I'm holdin' on<em>

_(Broken by Lifehouse)  
><em> 

"So," Jack said, closing his eyes and breathing deeply, getting his heart rate back under control, "how did I perform?" He turned his head sideways to look at Ianto.

The light of Ianto's bedside lamp made his sweaty skin glisten deliciously, his dark hair was mussed, his cheeks flushed. He was just as breathless as Jack and a sated expression lingered on his face. The hoarse chuckle Ianto uttered went straight through Jack's belly down to his groin where the tingly feeling ebbed away. He was too satiated yet to be able to get aroused again. It was a nice feeling.

Ianto licked his lips, wincing when his tongue came into contact with the small cut Jack's teeth had left behind in the battle for dominance. Ianto's eyes were clear, tired but happy. "You never asked that before. Getting insecure?"

Jack rolled on his side and propped his head up on a hand. His other hand began to trace lazy circles on Ianto's chest. "I didn't mean the sex. I know I'm good at sex."

"And so shy about it," Ianto added. He let out a deep breath and relaxed, his body catching up with the rush of endorphins and settling down. Jack could see his eyelids droop. Outside, a car rushed by, its headlights catching on Ianto's curtains. Ianto rested his eyes for a moment and then looked at Jack curiously. "What did you mean then?"

"Our date," Jack answered. "The whole evening."

"You need me to grade it?"

"You're avoiding the question." And yes, he needed Ianto to grade it – or at least tell him what he thought. Truth was, he really was a bit insecure. The last date had been a long time ago and even though he'd known Ianto very well before they went out officially for the first time tonight, he was still nervous about it. Dates were different from flirts or casual time spent together. Jack had found himself in the unexpected position of needing to impress _because_ he already knew Ianto, while Ianto had seemed calm and collected all evening, relaxed and as always the perfect conversationalist.

Ianto huffed a breath and then looked at Jack again, his eyes earnest. "I had a great time."

"Oh, yeah?" Jack asked, grinning.

"Yeah. Getting your whole attention is nice."

"You always have my attention."

Ianto cleared his throat. "Me and the Rift and the team and the rest of Cardiff." He smiled. "It was nice to have you to myself, with the others taking care of the Rift and only the occasional glance at your mobile."

"You noticed that, huh?" Jack asked with a grimace.

"You should know me better by now," Ianto answered. "I notice everything where you are concerned." Jack smiled and leaned in to brush his lips over Ianto's, soothing the cut with a kiss. Ianto whispered, "Thanks for dinner. And the movie." His smile turned wicked. "And the sex."

"The least I could do for someone who died for me." Jack had intended for it to come out as kind of a joke but even as he said it, he knew that he shouldn't have. Ianto stared at him sadly. Reaching out a hand, he combed his fingers through Jack's hair, his fingertips firm against Jack's head and then he leaned in and kissed him. Jack pulled him closer, enveloping him in his arms as tight as he could, trying to ignore the story Ianto had told him about the visions the Light had given him.

"It was just a dream," Ianto said and Jack had the feeling that Ianto wasn't trying to calm himself but Jack. Because the thought of being trapped forever, being harvested as an energy source … it scared him. Even just the words …

Jack shuddered and tightened his hold. It wasn't the only thing that scared him, though. "You would, wouldn't you?"

Ianto looked at him questioningly.

Jack elaborated, "You'd die for me."

"Yes." There was no hesitation, no doubt in Ianto's eyes.

"I don't want you to."

"I don't care."

"How can I repay that?"

Ianto smiled crookedly. "Dinner, a movie … sex."

And just like that, the seriousness of their words evaporated, allowing light-heartedness to set in. Something they didn't experience often enough. Something Ianto certainly didn't experience enough and if he wanted it now … who was Jack to refuse? He put on a thoughtful face, mock-considering Ianto's words. "That would mean a lot of sex. Lots of dinners, lots of movies."

"Exactly."

"And here I thought you didn't need dates."

"I don't," Ianto said with a shrug. "It's nice to have them, though. Every once in a while."

Jack pecked Ianto's lips. "It is."

Ianto's eyes barely showed his amusement when he said, "Even though you didn't perform as well as usual in bed."

Jack's eyes widened. "Excuse me?"

Ianto grinned. "Well, you asked for overall performance and the sex was part of the date. It's okay, though," he said with a pat on Jack's head. "Maybe you were tired from all the romancing."

He rolled off the bed, but Jack grabbed him around the waist and pulled him back, pinning him to the mattress. "I'll have you know: I never disappoint in bed."

Ianto looked up at him with an expression that told Jack he'd been had – and he didn't mind. Ianto asked, "Can you prove that?"

"Proof," Jack answered, "coming right up, Mr. Jones."

END

01/13


	12. You'll Be The Death Of Me

**You'll Be The Death Of Me**

_Series: _Lyrics 'Verse

_Word Count: _~ 900

_Summary: _Jack ducked his head and whispered, "It started." For a moment, it was quiet, then Ianto's fingers squeezed his and he asked softly, "What did?" - "Losing you. All of you."

_Characters: _Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones

_Pairing: _Jack/Ianto

_Rating: _PG-13

_Spoiler: Reset_

_Setting: _after _Reset_

_Warnings: _mentions Canon Character Death

_Beta: _larsinger29 did the English version and pechfeder the German version. Thank you!

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Torchwood _and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

The lyrics belong to Broken Iris.

xxx

_I'm waiting to be broken inside_

_Losing my mind_

_Gasping for life_

_Crashing through times_

_That drive me to find the darkness behind_

_Will never run dry but all still stand_

_Until the end of me_

_I swear_

_You'll be the death of me_

_(Broken Inside by Broken Iris)_

They must have come back to the Hub somehow.

Jack barely remembered. It was like flashes of images. He just knew that he'd taken charge and was once again amazed at his own capability to grow cold and distant – a capability he hated about himself, but one that he could do nothing against. It was like hitting a switch and on went the ice-cold bastard within him, giving orders and distancing himself from those he needed the most, those who needed him.

He couldn't get the image out of his head. Owen lying on the wet tarmac, dead, blood pooling and mixing with the rain.

He shivered and pressed his back harder against the cold wall, staring straight ahead, listening.

The Hub was so very quiet. The others were there, he knew, somewhere down there on the main floor or maybe in the boardroom, shocked into silence or whispers. About Jack, about Owen, about this whole mess. He should be with them, he knew, but he couldn't. He needed this time to himself to try and gain back some warmth, to become the caring leader they deserved right now.

But it was hard. Even up here, near Myfanwy's nest. Heights usually gave him confidence and calm … not now. Maybe he wasn't far enough away from the ground. Maybe he needed to get higher, but leaving the Hub ... it would feel like abandoning them … abandoning Owen.

"Hey."

Surprised, he looked up and at Ianto, standing a few steps away on the catwalk leading to Myfanwy's nest, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders pulled up. He looked tired.

"Hey," he answered.

"Mind if I join you?"

Jack knew he should mind. Knew he was better left alone in this state. But somehow, he found the thought of Ianto being with him surprisingly appealing and comforting. Maybe because he was so quiet when he needed to be – not asking questions, not looking for comfort Jack couldn't give, just being with him, _existing_ with him. So he answered, "No."

Ianto leaned back against the wall next to him, their shoulders, arms and hips touching. Jack glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. Ianto was staring straight ahead, mimicking what Jack had done just a minute ago. Jack took his hand, intertwining their fingers. Ianto's skin was warm. Jack pulled his hand closer, cradling it between both of his, seeking that warmth and trying to absorb it. "Owen is dead." It was so obvious and yet, he was saying the words for the first time.

Ianto looked at him. "Yes." His voice sounded hoarse, as if he'd been screaming for a long time.

Jack ducked his head and whispered, "It's started."

For a moment, it was quiet, then Ianto's fingers squeezed his and he asked softly, "What did?"

"Losing you. All of you." Jack took a deep breath and his voice sounded stronger when he explained, "It starts with one person and then comes the next and the next until ..." He swallowed, his voice losing its strength. "Until nobody's left." He closed his eyes and leaned his head back, gripping Ianto's hand tighter. "One of you dying means that the others will as well."

For a very long moment, Ianto didn't say anything, then he shifted, the suit rustling softly in the quiet, and Jack felt Ianto's lips on his cheek. "There's nothing I can say to make that better."

Jack looked at him and then he pulled him closer, pulling him into an embrace. He buried his nose in Ianto's neck and breathed in, his arms painfully tight around Ianto's chest and hips. He was so cold but Ianto was warm, alive, breathing. This time, it hadn't been Ianto to die. This time it had been someone else. And Jack was so ashamed to feel just that bit glad about it. It had been different with the space whale, when everyone had walked away more or less intact and Jack had been in the right to feel relieved and happy. This time, he felt bad for it. Because Ianto was alive, yes ... but Owen was dead.

Owen was dead.

Jack pushed Ianto away a bit and kissed him. It was just a friendly kiss, on the lips, but he made it linger, made it sweet and tender. Made it matter. "I'll lose you," he said brokenly.

Ianto nodded and his hands cupped Jack's face. "But not today. Not this week."

"You can't promise that."

"Watch me."

Jack took a deep breath. Shook his head. "No. I'll fix this."

"How?"

"I don't know." He'd tried to find a way for the last half an hour, thinking about everything they had at their disposal, dismissing it and then thinking again.

Ianto's face was earnest and sad when he replied, "Jack … Owen is dead. You can't … just fix this. I know you want to and it would be great if you could but … you can't."

Jack stared at him, saw his concern and grief and sadness and nobody on his team should ever look like that. It was his duty to chase those feelings away, to make it better. So there was only one answer he could give right now.

"Watch me."

END

04/13


	13. How Endlessly You Fall

**How Endlessly You Fall**

_Series: _Lyrics 'Verse

_Word Count: _~1.200

_Summary: _Jack took a breath, tried to explain, to make it better but the truth was that he'd tried it out in his head - every single excuse - and there was nothing that came even close to being good enough to utter.

_Characters: _Jack Harkness, Owen Harper

_Pairing: _Jack/Ianto

_Rating: _PG-13

_Spoiler: Reset, Dead Man Walking, A Day In The Death_

_Setting: _after_ A Day In The Death_

_Warnings: _references to canon character death

_Contains: _sexual references, language

_Author's Note: _I know it's been a while and I'm so ashamed for it, but - as always in these cases - real life is to blame and a major writer's block. I'm back on track now, though. This first, and soon, something a lot longer will come. Watch this space! ;)

_Beta: _Because this took long enough without being beta'ed, I decided to fly solo ...

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Torchwood _and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

The song _Breathe_ belongs to Alexi Murdoch.

xxx

_And all the suffering that you've witnessed_

_And the hand prints on the wall_

_They remind you how it's endless_

_How endlessly you fall_

_(Breathe by Alexi Murdoch)_

There was something serene and peaceful about Jack's quarters at night. Something that had been sorely missing when he'd still been waiting for the Doctor, still listening to every sound with nervous tension, hadn't dared to close the hatch in fear of missing an alarm that would tell him the Doctor had arrived ... it was easier to relax, to focus entirely on Ianto, to just be, now that he'd chosen to be here. With the hatch closed and only the soft light of the standard lamp in the corner, it was quiet. Like a bubble only inhabited by Ianto and him.

It was warm under the duvet, wrapped around Ianto as he was. Jack buried his face in Ianto's hair and breathed in, smiling against the dark strands when Ianto shifted in his sleep and mumbled something into the pillow.

"Need to get some paperwork done," he whispered, knowing Ianto wouldn't hear him but feeling better saying it. Leaving Ianto alone in bed at night struck him as strange. He tried not to, tried to sleep and sometimes succeeded, other times just drifted … but there were nights like tonight when he got too restless to stay, no matter how relaxed he felt.

When he reached his office, he noticed that something was out of place. It was just a feeling that made him freeze on the last rung of the ladder through the hatch. He was so in tune with the Hub that he sometimes felt like the slightest changes in the air currents could tip him off to something not being as it should. He didn't think it was dangerous but closed the hatch softly behind him either way and grabbed his Webley nevertheless … being careful had never hurt anyone and he had Ianto to think of.

However, as soon as he'd sneaked into the main room, he relaxed. It was Owen's leather jacket that had tipped him off, draped over the back of his chair. He wasn't in the med-bay, though. Jack re-holstered his gun and raised his gaze. He was rewarded with the sight of a shadow moving behind the window of the hothouse and went up the spiral staircase.

In the doorway, he hesitated for a moment. Talking to Owen was hard these days. Jack was all too aware of what he'd done. He'd taken the thing he hated the most about himself and turned it on Owen ... and then he'd made it worse. It was hard to look into Owen's eyes. It was hard to be around him … Owen knew, he was sure, and he probably resented Jack for being unable to cope with something he'd inflicted.

"What are you waiting for?" Owen asked, stepping from behind a tall plant. He didn't look at Jack, instead focused on watering it.

Jack shoved his hands in his trouser pockets and gathered his resolve. "Permission to enter, I guess."

"Granted."

Jack stepped inside … and stopped. He looked around the collection of plants - both alien and from Earth. Struggling to find something to say, he finally asked, "What are you doing here? I sent all of you home to get some rest."

"I don't need rest, remember?" Owen answered. "Don't need sleep, don't need food, don't need orgasms." He glanced at Jack as if he expected an answer. Jack found himself in the unusual position of having not the slightest idea what to say. Owen snorted and shook his head, then started to water another plant that had black, big leafs. "So I came here and wanted to do the inventory in the med-bay, but then I decided that I really didn't need to hear you and Ianto shag, so I went up here."

Jack forced a grin. "Don't tell him you heard. He'll be mortified."

Owen glanced at him from the corner of his eye, then - to Jack's relief - a slow grin started to grow on his lips. "He wasn't the one begging."

Jack chuckled. "Still, he'll be embarrassed."

"All the more reason to tell. It's not like I have any other joy in life … death."

Jack ducked his head, the good mood the short exchange had brought evaporating in an instant to be replaced by shame. "I'm sorry."

"As you should be!" Owen answered angrily, stepping towards him with a finger pointed at Jack's chest. "You had two jobs to do, just two: Freeze me and hire a new doctor. Instead, you screwed up and you screwed me over and how exactly is this supposed to be better than death?!"

Jack swallowed and shook his head. "I didn't think this would happen."

"You never think, Jack, that's the problem! You just act and then you wing it! Well, this time, you can't wing anything! This time, you went too far. And the worst thing is that you won't learn from this. You'll do it again! And next time, it won't be me you're killing, it will be Tosh or Gwen or Ianto."

The thought brought angry tears to Jack's eyes. "Don't say that!"

"Why not? It's true!" He brushed past Jack to leave, but Jack grabbed his arm.

Owen shook him off angrily. "Watch it, you might break me!"

Jack let go of him, startled.

Owen didn't leave, though, he waited, regarding him coldly. "So?"

Jack took a breath, tried to explain, to make it better but the truth was that he'd tried it out in his head - every single excuse - and there was nothing that came even close to being good enough to utter.

So he didn't apologize, he just told the truth.

"I couldn't lose you."

Owen stared at him, waiting.

"I couldn't," Jack repeated after a while. "Not without saying a proper goodbye."

Owen shook his head. "You don't fool me. It was never just about saying goodbye, was it, Jack? You let yourself be torn apart by Weevils to get to this glove, Tosh told me! You wouldn't have done that for just two more minutes with me. You knew … you knew something like this would happen."

"I never-"

"Admit it!"

Jack closed his eyes. "I assumed." He ducked his head, his eyes finding the entrance to his office. Underneath, Ianto was still sleeping soundly. Owen's words rang through his head and he nodded. "That's why I used it, I thought being immortal would give me the chance to do for you what Gwen did for Suzie, just not as devastating to myself."

"Well you guessed wrong," Owen replied, "'cause I'm still dead. I'm a walking, talking corpse. I can't even do my job right. I can't give CPR and that's only the beginning. I'd rather be dead."

"I said that I'm sorry."

"Prove it."

Jack shrugged helplessly. "How?"

"By not making the same mistake twice." With that, he turned away and headed down the stairs to the main Hub.

Jack leaned on the rail, looking after him. "Owen ..."

He stopped at the doorway to the med-bay.

"Forgive me?"

Owen turned around to him. "I don't have much of a choice, do I?" he asked slowly.

Jack closed his eyes … and wished he could turn back time.

END

10/13


End file.
